The King’s Road Bear got stuck up a Tree as Captain Ent vanquished Captain Keats with an emphatic Intra-Club win, in a match already being billed by this correspondent as ‘The Intree-Club’.

PEJ won the toss and elected to bat on a sunny day. This is always a risk in Intra-club, a match where you truly can never know what a good score is. Tom Birch’s need to leave the match early meant he was parachuted into the opening batting slot for the challengers, and he confirmed himself as a Keats sleeper agent immediately, running past the first ball of the innings and being stumped by new keeper Charlie Twyman to give Raju Mazumder a first wicket of the match. Given that Pete’s team talk had revolved around keeping the opposition out there for the full 35 overs, this was a less than ideal start, but not the worst performance of the day by any stretch.

Mandy was next in, promoted to three as a show of faith by a captain who thinks he is better than the number of runs he scores for the Road. He hammered Raju for a six over long on, and then holed out to Birch trying to repeat the same shot one ball later to depart for 7. Two for Raju! Back down the order you go Mandy. What followed was the best partnership of the match as APatz and Sam Castle put on 43 for the third wicket. Castle led a brutal assault on Birch and Gledhill in particular, plundering boundaries down the ground before retiring on 28*.

Captain PEJ was next in, and next out. A full ball from Smally snuck under his bat as he departed for a second duck of the weekend. But still, this wasn’t the worst performance of the day. Another debutant, Pete Sainthouse, now came to the crease and Patz took on the lead role, playing more aggressively and striking three boundaries before falling one short of retirement on 24 as Matt Small claimed a second wicket, caught by Andy Day. Goose Hunt! Elliott Small came in and looked in good touch, playing one glorious late cut off Glover before falling for 12 clean bowled by Day to leave Team Ent 98-5.

Then the wheels came off. Sainthouse was next to go, bowled for a gritty 7 by Matt Glover. Nikhil then fell for 0 to Day, caught Brown. He tried to claim it did something off the pitch but in reality he was 30 years too early through the shot. 98-7 and things were looking ominous. Enter Mitch Smith and Kieran Dodds, who realised how dangerous extras were looking and decided to dig in and give no balls an opportunity to score, guiding their side to 121 before Dodds fell. Mitch was next out for an impressive 15, while last man Lax Pillai made a useful and typically unorthodox 10 as Team PEJ finished 145 all out. Competitive.

Stand out bowling performances were Raju taking 2-2, Matt Small taking 2-10 and Andy Day taking 4-9.

Teas next. Frish fritters from Small were strong, there were dry brownies and sticky brownies, and Mitch brought an Eton Mess but nothing to eat it with. Raju’s chicken was a particular triumph and won best tea of the day.

So, time for Team bear to wield the willow. Chris Brown found himself in an unfamiliar opening batting position, paired with Charlie Kay, who had been billed as ‘an absolute gun’ at the top of the order. Nikhil and Mitch opened the bowling, with the aim to cramp the batsmen for room outside off with two left armers. The plan worked as Charlie rocked back to his first ball from Mitch, before elegantly guiding a late cut into his off stump. 0-1. A gun? Maybe, but only in that sense he had turned it on himself.

Browny was joined at the crease by newbie Charlie Twyman, and both took a liking to PEJ’s bowling, hammering him to the mid wicket and long on boundaries. But Browny was next to depart, a bowling change doing for him as a gorgeously flighted leggy from Dodds knocked back his off peg for 16. Sad to see for a man that had never lost an Intra-club before this game (huehuehuehue).

Gledders was next in, and had had a rough time with the ball. He atoned somewhat as he defended stoutly before Sainthouse had him caught behind by the excellent Elliott Small. Twyman continued to impress, carting Dodds to the boundary and then retiring on 26*. Matt Small the new man, and he was unlucky enough to be facing Mandy, who eventually trapped him in front for 2. When Keating was caught off the bowling of Castle while trying to hit a wide into orbit, Team Bear were 60-5.

But there was still firepower to come. Glover and Day were the pair at the crease, and looked the best technical batsmen in the team. But what good is technique when you have a mind like jelly? Glover cruised his way to 12, running particularly well, before the reintroduction of Mitch saw him nick behind for another sharp Small catch just before drinks.

Day was the key now, a man who often likes to brag about playing with Tom Kohler-Cadmore and Joe Clarke in his youth (though he claims he was never in a whatsapp group with either). Castle was having a stellar weekend already, and was tasked with containing Day by giving him a single and searching for the wicket of new man Raju. He went one better as a delivery kept low off the pitch and trapped Day LBW for 1. Delicious, delicious, delicious. Day allegedly didn’t speak to anybody for the next 15 minutes, meaning he missed a moment of sensational class. This was still not the worst performance of the day.

What followed this was special. Pete Sainthouse was given a change of ends by the captain, who was starting to look more like Mike Brearley than PEJ, and produced an over that can only be described as Flintoff-esque circa 2005. Probing away at Michael Rossi, he took his second of the match when Rossi tried to crack a ball down the ground. PEJ, stationed at short mid on, timed his jump to absolute perfection, leaping to take a one-handed screamer, nonchalantly throwing the ball over his shoulder like a bloody legend and romping to champagne moment.

Charlie Kay was back in at number 11 next, looking to redeem himself. I promise, he can bat, but christ, he couldn’t in this match. Sainthouse’s delivery left him a touch, Kay driving loosely and nicking off to Elliott Small. Two golden ducks in one innings. Astonishing. You could have fed a family of six in Chinatown with Charlie Kay’s batting haul for the day. He may have broken a King’s Road record in the process, and may now turn his attention to a future in catering serving up more delicious duck wraps.

There was still time for an extravagant play-and-miss from the returning Twyman, that almost gave Sainthouse a third, but next over Nikhil wrapped up the innings with a caught and bowled to dismiss Raju, who played nicely for 10. It was a deserved wicket for Nikhil, who had bowled economically earlier in the innings. 88 all out, and a crushing 57-run victory for Team PEJ. Next year’s Intra captain, ye be warned.

Awards:

Embarrassing: Charlie Kay – two golden ducks #FlyingDucksmen

Tantrum: Matt Glover

Champagne: PEJ Grab of the century

Savoury teas: Raju’s chicken

Sweet: PEJ white chocolate millionaire shortbread

Man of the Match: Sam Castle