Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Covid making an unwelcome return through Sherman’s coughing? No, its clearly none of those things. What it is, is time for the Kings Roads CC annual jaunt out of the M25 to the blissful surrounds of the Surrey Hills and to that little slice of serenity that is nestled betwixt Gomshall & Wotton. The kind of place where you can find yourself deep into a wooded seclusion in no time and yet are only moments away from a vineyard producing fabulous Blanc des Blanc. However again, none of this really matters as the only Whites we cared about where those piped with Orange & emblazed with the Kings Road emblem. The Pipes, the Guns & the boys from the Power Station had come here to rectify some unfinished business.

Cast your mind back, dear reader, to August 2022. The world was on literal fire, international crises occurred on a daily basis & the term “BazBall” was included in every bloody article that was in some way related to cricket. Liz Truss was but the darling of the Tory inner circle & had not yet managed to worm her way into Balmoral Castle, to fulfil her true destiny & slip a little something into a certain teapot. Comrade Truss aside, the world was a very different place to what it is now. Actually….hold on a second….hmmmm…..well anyway, the Road where in Abinger & had watched as a simple, yet delicious victory was snatched away in front of their very eyes. Joshua Burt did not take kindly to Smally banging one of his precious bails into the ground & responded by dispatching 3 Roaders in 3 balls (across 2 Overs) back to the sheds. The game ended in a Tie, which according to Play Cricket has only occurred 3 times in Road history or approx 0.81% of all games played. It was to say the least, an underwhelming end to a day that sparked much delight, hysteria & wonder from all those assembled at the ground.

Fast forward to Saturday 19^th August 2023 & the plan was to introduce an element that is certainly foreign to those who inhabit this quiet corner of the world. Abinger Hammer CC are a club steeped in tradition & hold themselves as bastions of the time honoured particulars of village cricket. They invite clubs from all over the world to share a taste of how cricket has been played in this country for many years. The games are timed, allowing the distinct possibility of blocking out for the draw. The teas are homemade & to a satisfactory nature. The grounds are unique & well kept. All of these factors have enabled them to develop a well-oiled machine that takes comfort in knowing how not to play the occasion, but to play the game to benefit their preferred outcome. They may appear a united front, but what they have also sowed deep into their club is the opportunity for complacency to creep into the background. Only one element can rouse this to the forefront and that is chaos. Pure, unadulterated & full throated Chaos. 

Winning the toss Monsieur Jackson Eastwood elected to bat, setting a target for Abinger to chase down. This is what the home side prefer to do, a little wink in the direction of complacency from the skip. The plan was now in action. Connor McGilligan & Jamie Keating strode out to the crease, an opening partnership that has only been employed previously on the T20 circuit of South London. Storming down the hill was Abinger skipper Charlie Robertson, feeling relax and in his natural setting. He was soon feeling more relaxed as he believed he had both Openers working hard on maintaining their wickets. Crawley & Duckett-esque this was not. Connor & Keats grinded out only 8 runs collectively by the end of the 5^th Over, before opening the throttle to move onto 41 runs for no loss by the 10^th Over & finally 77 runs for no loss by the 15^th Over. In the 16^th Over, Connor having just passed the 60 minute mark in batting, got a little rash & played all around a straight one to be clean bowled. Departing on 29 runs, the Road had an opening partnership of 89 & finished the Over on 91 for 1.

“91 for 1! 91 for 1? How has that happened? That’s a RR of 5.7! We were bowling pretty decent, the batters had been declining 1s & 2s, I thought we were on top of this!?! How has this happened? Well anyway, its fine we have plenty in the tank & speaking of tanks, that’s a nice looking £100k+ car that’s rolling past the ground. Wonder whose it is, probably that nice bloke & his charming partner who have moved in the down road from me. Road. Kings Road, haha, like that place in Chelsea & that place in Game of Thrones. Need to get the insurance booked for our trip to Dubrovnik next week. Soon my watch will begin” Actual direct quote from the mind of an Abinger Hammer player. The complacency was in full effect.

Daniel Sherman arose like Lazarus from his sickbed to make this game & it is with sincere appreciation that he did. Bravely forgoing his natural Opening positon to fall to the low, low depths of number 3, he went out to the middle with a simple plan. Allow the opposition to believe once more that they were on top. What followed was 14 consecutive dots from the Abinger attack, to seemingly bring the run scoring to a screeching halt. After assuredly making it to Drinks, the Road were sent back to the field with the nodding approval of PJE to take the game by the throat. Keats took this with relish & delivered consecutive 4’s with aplomb to land the first punches of the 2^nd half of the innings. On 46 & in the mood for more, he misjudged the flight and found himself walking back to re-join the Roaders in watching this contest. An excellent innings all around, that set the tone for the day & built a foundation for the middle order to drive on with.

James Murray-Wood was in at 4 to continue disrupting the natural rhythm of Abingers game. He christened his new bat with a delightful boundary & some confident stroke play. However, this drew the ire of Oppo skipper Robertson, who decided now was the time to bring himself back on, but this time bowling leg spin from up the hill. 2 balls into his 2^nd spell & he had enticed Woody to loftily drive at one, but it wasn’t the cleanest of connections and the ball found itself nestled into the hands of fielder at Cover. The Road were now 113 for 3 & perhaps the Hammers were in for a tidy day. No, no they were not. PJE entered the fray & duly sucker punched his Oppo peer by dispatching his first ball for 4. A strike rate of 400, even Ed Borton might have blushed at that.

The to & fro of this game was causing panic in the Abinger ranks. So much so that they barely even noticed when all the dots dried up. PJE & Sherman milked bowlers for singles & capitalised on poor line & length by adding numerous powerful boundaries to the scoreboard. Their partnership added 80 runs to in only 10.4 Overs, that’s 1.25 runs per legal delivery. Their fruitful endeavour ultimately ended when PJE scooped one back to Robertson for a clean C&B and he fell for a well-earned 34. Returning to the Abinger Hollies Stand, things were in a strong place for the Road at 193 for 4. Shaminda da Silva came in next with the instructions of playing a slow, tactful & Boycott-like defensive innings to make it through to the declaration at Tea. The thinking was this would again be another twist in the rollercoaster that was this Kings Road innings

Ha! Got you there for a second, come on now that’s not PJEball, that’s not the Road, that’s not Chaos!  No what Sham actually did was frankly ridiculous, he hit his first ball for 4 & then proceeded to run x6 2’s, x4 1’s, another powerful 4 & only surrender a single dot. He would finish the day on 24* from 12. Pure Chaos.

What was also chaotic was the innings of one Daniel Sherman. After seeing 3 batting partners perish he maintained his strong innings, that was bolstered by 3 devastating huge 6’s, to accompany the numerous 4s & well placed singles. He topped his innings with a delightfully placed cherry. Said cherry was made of leather & he smacked it over the bowler, over the rope and almost into the next field for a maximum to bring himself on to a 50. A top knock, that would eventually finish with Sham making him run 2’s & finishing the day on 54 from 45. Batting for nearly 1 hour 30 mins whilst ill, it absolutely took years off of his life. Hopefully the memory of scoring a 6 to bring up a 50 will live long with him.

Speaking of time coming for us all, the sands in the timer were getting lower & lower. 2 minutes was all it took for Andrew “Boom Boom” Craigie to make his input on the game felt. 120 seconds on the clock, he walks out to replace Sherman who has been bowled. 90 seconds, he gets off the mark with what looks like a single. 80 seconds, the fielders are all over the shop and let Andy make it back for a double. 75 seconds, woeful fielding & determined running sees him push Sham for a 3 and they make it! 30 seconds, Andy is back on strike but doesn’t get a hold of all of the shot. 25 seconds, fielder makes the catch. 20 seconds Andy departs. 0 seconds, back on the sideline & revelling in the chaos of the innings.

Seeing what Andy managed to do while only facing 2 balls, Oscar came in knowing it was the final Over & wanted to leave his own imprint on the scoreboard. Unfortunately for him he faced only 1 delivery, it went for a Leg Bye & all that he could do further was be a dutiful running partner to help Sham push for 3 more 2’s in the final Over. The Road left with what would seem to have been an insurmountable 230 for 5 from 38 Overs. A strong showing from a team that had memories of last year’s travesty etched into every run.

At Tea, the Roaders retreated to the inner sanctums of the club bar to shelter from sun, dissect their innings & collectively renew themselves for the ensuing onslaught. Abinger were merrily soaking up the only bit of glorious sunshine this August has seen, allowing themselves to be softened and tired by its inviting rays. Whether they knew it or not, they were expertly playing their part in the Kings Road concerted effort of their downfall.
Always playing with their minds, PJE entrusted Ali Tyzack to undulate himself from down the hill & lay waste to the Abinger openers. Bowling in partnership with the man who indulges in illeism, Chris Brown, they took to their work with gritted determination. It took until the 5^th Over before Ali “Ayznck” Tyzack struck, taking an energetic looking batter for only 4 runs by slipping through his defences & castling him. Opening spells of 12 for 1 for Ali & 21 for 0 for CB, brought Abinger to 33 for 1 after 10 Overs. Noticeably behind the run rate the Road had set, but looking increasingly dangerous as the no 3 bat was particularly adept at creaming the ball over the boundary rope. He single headedly pushed Abinger past the 50 mark with his 4^th monster 6, was the balancing swinging in their favour?

Come on now, you must know my game by now. If I set up a premise & ask an obvious question, then I’m clearly announcing that it’s the opposite that has happened. This was indeed the case, as Abingers seasoned Opener left his prized batter truly out to dry. A late cut to backward point & he rather innocuously set off for a single. Poor choice, as his movements from the crease had already caught Connor & keeper Andy’s attention throughout his innings. Gathering the ball and getting it back in towards the stumps, Andy did marvellously to take the catch & clatter the poles in one swift motion. No sooner than the bails had been dislodged, the Square Leg umpires finger was straight up. He knew it was out, he knew that Abingers skipper’s dad had absolutely barbequed his batting partner and the danger man was ordered back to the sheds on 39 from 31. Rapturous scenes from the Roaders & salacious viewing to go with it as we watched him point some fingers at team mates. “I was 3 foot inside the crease” he was quoted by Rossi, a neutral spectator of the game. The rot had truly set into Abingers beautiful day, it was no longer sunshine & lollipops for them.

It was Joey “Joseph-Fitz Maurice” Fitzmaurice’s bowling that had wriggled the Run Out from Abinger & he would end his day with a spirited fielding performance & figures of 5-1-20-0. A strong show all around that deserved wickets, but alas not today. He bowled first change up the hill in partnership with the being known on this planet as Oscar Newlove, who descended down. Bowling undecipherable variations, he eventually prized out a wicket, by cleaning up the Abinger opener on 10 runs with a lovely slower ball. A genuinely strong performance from a gentleman who was comfortably older than the next player from both sides. He faced 39 balls of the best the Road could offer & helped us to Run Out their dangerous bat.

After a few more Overs of Oscars variations, the all-rounder ended his day with 0* & 5-0-20-1. A meaningful contribution & one to relive later over some type of curried dish. Restored to his rightful place, Browny was now handed back the ball & told to replace Oscar at the top of the hill. The man was delighted & responded by encouraging another Abinger batter to commit Cricketing Seppuku – this being the act of trying to get yourself off strike as you are terrified of what’s going to happen if you don’t, then making a rash decision despite placing the ball in the direction of a fielder & finally watching as someone else pays the price for your lack of judgement. This particular occurrence happened on Brownys first ball of his new spell. The batter stroked one directly to Ali at Extra Cover, who gathered it cleanly & pinged it back in the direction of a confident Andy Craigie with a demanding “hit me Ali, hit me!!” Another strong pirouette from the Wicketkeeper & the batter had absolutely no chance. Mr. Boom Boom had helped himself to 2 Run Outs.

A strong day in the field for the Road, the pressure was never allowed to slip & before they could reckon themselves with what had happened, Abinger were on 83 for 4 by the end of the 21^st Over. They had 15 Overs to navigate to either an uninspiring Draw, an unlikely Victory or another statistically rare Tie. “15 Overs you say? 15? That’s 90 opportunities to demonstrate Kings Road Chaos!” Actual direct super real quote from Peter Jackson Eastwood

Wanting to ratchet up the pressure PJE brought himself into the attack, pinging down ball after ball of delicious wibble wobble jelly on a plate. He could not influence his own wicket, but bowling in partnerships is a key aspect of his game plan. He elevates those around him & basks in their “shared” glories. Figures of 34 & 4-2-14-0 allowed him to return home with a trademark Cheshire Cat grin. The partnership he primarily supported was that of his & the Minister of Wickets, Chris Brown.

A middling 1^st spell for Browny by his lofty standards had elicited no scalps & conceded 21 runs. Strong numbers for those not of the bowling ilk, but he answers to a higher power. The aforementioned Run Out was the 1^st delivery of his 2^nd spell & its drama would only be an amuse-bouche to what would come next. The new batter in, fended off the next 2 deliveries, before scything away to only the 3^rd boundary born of Browns bowling. “Enough is enough, I have had it with these motherfecking batters on this motherfecking wicket!” Browny quoting his hero & personal saviour Samuel L. Jackson. And he lived true to that maxim, no longer would he see his deliveries squirt away for singles, no longer would they be treated with contempt & dispatched to the boundary.

 

The man put down 26 consecutive dots. 26 of them. His 2^nd spell only consisted of 30 balls, 29 of them produced no run! The first victim had his furniture rearranged courtesy of CB Removals, falling for 14. The next one fell 3 balls later on 13 & had a similar fate. Victim number 3 got his pads all in front of it, so much so that the Umpire had to raise a finger for LBW, a duck for him. His 4^th victim was determined not to get out, what a pointless endeavour, he also got clean bowled for a duck & finally out came Charlie Robertson, the Abinger skip. He had watched his side flounder & belligerently stuck on 97 runs for the previous 7 Overs. He had put in a sterling bowling display & got 3 wickets of his own. All he had to do was block out the remaining 7 Overs & shepherd his side home. Sounds fairly easy right? His batting partner had so far blocked out 16 balls for no run & was in full survival mode. This would be a doddle for Robertson, he had done it before, seen it all before, the ground itself was a testament to resolute stout defence. All of this was made moot by Browny who had entered Mop Territory. 4 wickets collected, 5 balls left in his spell, hot water & bleach at his side, he was ready. 

Dot, no reaction. 

Dot, no reaction.

Dot, “COME ON BROWNY HIT THE LINE RIGHT”

Dot, “AHHHH GET IT RIGHT BROWNY”

Wicket, “AHHHHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSS AHHHHHHHHH” (all genuine quotes)

A stirring roar of a celebration, one that certainly caused a few nesting birds to flee in fear, was followed by very calmly explaining to his victim that it was his 5fer & then even more calmly explaining that it was first since he had registered 100 scalps for the Road. Now on 210 overall, the serial wicket taker ensconced himself at the top of the All Time leader board. How long he will remain there, is a small question to ask. Final figures of 10-4-25-5 are particularly strong, especially in the context of the 2^nd spell.

Applauds all around for Browny, but back to the game. Abinger are now on 97 for 9 & have 1 lifeline left, “save us Obi-Wan Burtnobi, you are our only hope”. Burt & Evelyn at the crease, they had a lot of work to do to salvage this day. Brother of Burt had been the hero last year, could he follow suit? He tired his absolute best & engaged in a lovely bit of fielding practice by gently guiding every delivery he faced along the ground to a Roader. He was going nowhere & hoped his partner would do the same. Evelyn had the company of close fielders & a Slip cordon waiting for him to make a mistake, but to his credit he didn’t fancy a nibble on anything. Facing an Over of the returning Ali, he managed to slither away from it unscathed. Meaning that Ali finished his day with 6-2-12-1 & a Run Out, another massive contribution.

Sham had been brought in to offer relief for PJE bowling up the hill, his opening Over had posed a few significant questions, giving away only 2 runs. However facing Burt, he was eager to finish the job. Burt had been playing most shots softly along the ground, but occasionally would spoon one up & Shams plan was to tease this out of him again. 5 balls into the Over & he got what he was looking for. Burt was caught between attack & defence, he guided one gently & directly back at Sham who had time to collect himself, prepare himself & ready himself to make the catch. It really was nice of Burt to pass the ball back to Sham, the catch may have been significant but it would also be described the world over as “an absolute dolly”. And yet, nobody mentioned this to Sham, apologies Insham Tahir, who duly set off on a raucous celebratory run around the ground & his fellow Roaders. His enthusiasm was infectious & the Road celebrated a milestone victory in all the glory that it deserved. Shams big day out had him with figures of 24* off 12 (only 1 dot) & 2-1-2-1 (with a C&B). Top effort.

Well there we have it, the Road had sent every Abinger batter to whence they came, leaving them all out for a total of 99 runs from 32 Overs. A decisive victory by a margin of 131 Runs, each Roader had contributed significantly in a stirring team effort to put this one to bed. Solid & devastating batting, disciplined & powerful bowling coupled with strength in the field, exemplified by Andy who allowed no Extras & converted 2 successful Run Outs while Keeping.

Special mention as well to that seasoned of travellers, Michael Rossi, who came down to cheer the side on. He faced every delivery, fielded every ball & stroked every dog there was that day. A thoroughly pleasant afternoon out in the countryside was enjoyed by all & the opposition have a full year to think about what they can do to turn the tide back in their favour. Who knows what the world will be come by August 2024, but for certainty the Kings Road will descend on Abinger to once again resume this contest.

AWARDS
Embarrassing: 

Brownys anger at himself & referring to himself in the 3^rd person

Insham Tahir C&B celebration

Keats getting trolled by a kid

(All Joint Winners)

Champagne: 

Sherman hitting a 6 to bring up his 50

Mandy OTM: 

Browny 5 for 25 with 4 Maidens

Author: Connor McGilligan

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