Let’s not beat around the bush, 2020 has been awful for myriad reasons, but none more serious than the postponement of cricket.

I would therefore like to start this match report with a heartfelt thanks to our government and it’s leader, who shall remain nameless, for finding a way to surmount what seemed the insurmountable, getting cricket back on in spite of the NATURAL VECTOR OF DISEASE.

I digress. Cricket matches! Back!

But in all that excitement, rather sadly, most of The Road have seemingly forgotten what to do in a match. Oh, we’ve had plenty a superb net on the pace and bounce of Kennington nets, where bowlers looked dangerous and batsmen practiced glorious stroke play all around the wicket.

Well, delectable reader, were it ever in doubt, it need not be ever again. Nets. Are. Not. Real. Life.

New skipper Big Bear Keats won his first toss as full-time captain. His has been a tricky gig, finally ascending to the captaincy but forced to rally his troops online during lockdown. On a sunny day and on what looked a decent pitch, he decided to have a bat.

And why not? In Matt Small and James Pinkney as openers, he had the bedrock of last season’s success: the dogged defender and batsman of the season. Out they walked, and excitement gripped their teammates.

Sherman reclined in his chair, smirking and remarking that Pinkney was so good that he had never had a duck for The Road. From that moment, the writing was on the wall.

Pinkney went chasing after a wide delivery, slashing a catch straight to slip, and departing for 0. Fair also to say that he did not take it particularly well.

Next out was PEJ, last season’s most improved player. After flicking off his pads to get off the mark, he was next out, spooning a leading edge to the bowler from a ball that appeared to slow up off the pitch.

New man Sham was determined to play with more intent, striking the first boundary of the season, but he was next to perish caught at mid off from another ball that didn’t come onto the bat. Road batsmen were quickly discovering that they were in fact batting on 22 metres of porridge. And as far as Keats and Browny were concerned, this porridge was certainly not just right.

Sherman was next to fall, again for a duck, triggered LBW by umpire PEJ, who adjudged that he had walked across his stumps. A consensus on this decision has yet to be reached, and somewhere, in a wicker basket, Ali Tyzack is hissing to himself in pleasure. When Smally fell for a gritty 5 from 33, the Road were 18-5.

This brought Woody, a winter net regular and newbie to the crease, and Hercules Andrews, who fell out of Greek mythology directly into our hearts. Woody showed some fight before falling for 4, promising debut ticker!

Adonis, meanwhile, was making us all swoon. Having obliterated the Antelopians attack in 2019, he struck several lusty blows, each taking a chunk of wood out of his ancient and decrepit bat. One massive six over extra cover was a major highlight. Keats provided able support as skipper, striking three boundaries in a quickfire 14.

Browny came to the crease and was told by Di Caprio that the pitch was slow, and to wait for the ball. Browny nodded, took guard, and spooned a catch straight to midwicket by getting through his shot four millennia too early. To top it off, he uttered every expletive known in the English language to wrap up a first tantrum of the season.

The Admiral was next to the crease, our brand new, not so shiny, Australian. Two fours later he was gone for 8, and Robert Pattinson departed for a heroic 29 to leave Rossi stranded on 2* and The Road 78 all out.

I hate this game.

The Road bowlers set about their task admirably. Browny bowled beautifully but without luck, while BOWLED FINGER Pinkney picked up two wickets to give Road a glimmer of hope.

Mahony also came on for a first bowl for the club and acquitted himself well, while David Beckham picked up a wicket to secure his man of the match award.

There was still time to play an impromptu T10 match, as we finished that early, and for Sham to secure embarrassing moment after saying the worst way to get out is to be stumped, just before being stumped. Brad Pitt produced one more moment of glory with the best catch you are ever likely to see, diving to catch a ball one-handed that was spinning behind him.

A terrible day’s cricket, but bloody glorious to be back!

Scorecard: http://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4467362

Awards

Mandy of the Match

Embarrassing: Shaminda de Stumped-a

Champagne: Cheeky Mando’s physics-defying catch

Tantrum: angry little Bear