There was something in the air at a grey Dulwich Sports Ground. Quite what it was, it was hard to say, but everybody rocked up feeling a little giddy. Charlie Twyman turned up with a fresh haircut that made him look like a medieval princeling. The lesser spotted of two trees, Marky Mark Isham, made his first appearance since the last Entmoot, and D.(arth) Sherman’s son, Luke Shermer, was making his Road 40-over debut too. Welcome baby Sherms!
Having punished his players by making them bowl first in searing heat in recent weeks, Skipper and renowned sadomasochistic bear Jamie Keats decided to take advantage of the wet and grey conditions by batting first for a change.
Sherman and Smally came out to open, and were faced with accurate and probing opening bowling on a damp pitch with a slow outfield. After a watchful start, Smally was first to depart after a leading edge popped up to gully. Thus came CMac, father of weeMac, to the crease. Darth Sherman was looking in good touch and starting to pick the gaps in the field, but one aggressive shot too many also saw him caught behind the wicket.
Tom Birch joined Chris MacNicol, who was finding his feet at the crease and had already launched a glorious boundary back over the bowler’s head and down the ground. Birchy knew The Road were wobbling after two early wickets and set to getting his classroom in order, defending with authority. Sadly, he would depart next after being strangled down the legside, but he sportingly walked and earned himself a beer from the oppo for being a good sport.
PEJ joined Cmac at the crease, and the two set about rebuilding, keeping out the dangerous Affaf Qureshi at one end, and attacking the seamers at the other end. PEJ smoked two straight drives for four, with Cmac opening up to play a delightful shot over extra cover for another boundary. 60-3 at drinks. Sadly, drinks would then do for both batsmen, Cmac caught in the outfield for 24 going for a big shot, and PEJ bamboozled and bowled through the gate by Qureshi for 17.
James Murray-Woods and Twyman were now at the crease, and decided the only solution to the hole The Road were in was to hit absolutely everything to the boundary. This strategy was a good one, and the crowd approved. Prince Charles III was flaying boundaries both sides of the wicket, and Woody got in on the action with a huge six over extra cover. Prince Charles didn’t like being outdone by a mere serf, so promptly smacked his own maximum with a short arm jab. That served only to upset Woody, who clearly isn’t a monarchist, and he promptly rocked onto the back foot and pumped a six over point. It was a sensational shot, and unquestionably the best we’ve seen our Head of Research bat. Woody swept onto his own stumps to depart for 26, but the carnage was really, really not over.
James Mahony was next in. We can only assume somebody had messed with his slime the night before, as he launched a furious assault on the bowling. He cracked a short ball over the midwicket boundary with a sound not unlike firework night on a South London estate, and then danced down the track to hammer a one-bounce four straight down the ground. Twyman had given up on running between the wickets and was still peppering the straight boundary, but he fell next for a game-changing 43. Moany followed shortly after for an absurd 31 from 13 balls, but the damage had been done.
Some good running at the end of the innings from Luke Baby Sherms Skywalker and Isham took The Road to a very competitive 195.
Ploughman’s for tea, and we had the pleasure of watching a very fat dog eat an entire block of cheese.
Now, with a much-changed side, skipper Yogi Bear decided to baffle the oppo with SPIIIN at the top of the innings, as Smally opened with Moany. Smallz was first to strike, having a very close LBW turned down, but striking with the LBW of the key South Bank opening batsman Jon Thornton in the next over.
After a wobbly start, Moany found his range, and started working over the batsmen with a metronomic spell on a good length. He got his just rewards when a fuller pitched ball was driven hard at tiny baby Luke Shermy, who took a smart catch. To say that The Road’s beans were up would be an understatement, but the delirium would only escalate next ball. Moany greeted the new batsman with a fizzing leg stump yorker that ripped through his defences. Two wickets in two balls, and Moany, newly nicknamed “Jug Bollinger”, was tearing around the outfield in scenes that had onlookers questioning whether Bibby had in fact successfully possessed him.
As The Road’s grip on the game grew stronger, the chat on the field disintegrated. A typically carried away Woody inexplicably shouted out ‘there’s fire in the engine now!’, an utterance met by five seconds of confused silence, before PEJ spoke for the whole team by simply asking ‘…what?’ Embarrassing moment wrapped up with aplomb.
A double bowling change followed, with miniscule Shermy and wobbler-in-chief Mark Isham into the attack. Now, Shermy had claimed he was an occasional left-arm leg spinner, which was intriguing, but he bowled seam instead. It turned out that he was not occasional at all, he was very, very, very good at bowling. Steaming in off a smooth run up, and pitching the ball consistently on fourth stump at good pace, the batsmen had no answer to him. His first wicket was a caught and bowled, skied up in the air, while his second was his third catch of the day, a much simpler return catch from the batsman. To cap it all off, after working a batsman over with four balls wide of off stump, he ripped one back in to knock back leg stump. Seriously, nets are going to be so little fun for us batsman if we keep unearthing players like this!
At the other end, Isham was wibbling and wobbling the ball like jelly on a plate, and as though he had never been away. He struck next, having Dan Cohen caught by, you guessed it, Shermy once more. There was even better to come, with a wobbling delivery clipping the top of off stump to dismiss the new bat. Thus a new name was born, Morne MARKel.
Paddington Bear was looking on thinking all of his honey Christmases had come at once, and decided he wanted a piece of the action. His unerring accuracy saw the batsman lose his nerve, and a superb catch on the boundary took Shermy to FIVE catches in the innings. It was a fine take, with Shermy tip-toeing around the boundary line and shouting a slightly surprised ‘Yes!’ at realising he hadn’t carried the ball over for six. Every Keats bowling change had brought a wicket, he looked very happy indeed.
The game was wrapped up in the very next over, Morne Markel inducing an edge which deflected off of Twyman, before Shermy (now at slip, having also fielded at cover, cow corner, and just about anywhere else the ball went in the air) to wrap up his SIXTH (YES, SIX) catch of the innings inches from the ground.
South Bank all out for 86, a crushing 109-run win for The Road. Cheerful beers followed, including an existential moment of dread as Cmac, Birchy and PEJ discussed the amazing quality of depth in the club, and the fact that they would have no chance of getting picked for a Super Test if we ever played one again. A complete team performance, with special mentions for Moany, Woody, Twyman and Baby Shermy, on a perfect day of cricket for The Road.
AWARDS
MOTM: Luke “Baby Sherms” Shermer
Champagne Moment: Woody’s 6 over Cover
Embarassing Moment: Woody: “There’s fire in the engine, boys”
Teas: Woody (Honourable mention: Lucky the cheese-eating dog)
FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4758693