It’s festival season. You know what that means. Dancing, boozing, pingers, poppers, and touring.
Though festival season can be somewhat different for us cricketing folk. But you all know what cricket season means. Bowling, fielding, wickets, sixes and dropped catches.
With Glastonbury finished, the world-renowned rockstars of the village cricket circuit King’s Road were able to field a star-studded line up of household names. ‘I’m sorry Pete Jackson (oooooh)’ won the toss, and decided that he would bat first, and open up with R&B legend Craigie David.
Unfortunately, The Road would line up with 10 players after mystic and spinning favourite Rajendran failed to appear. What a Mesh.
The opposition bowlers were very accurate early on, and the innings off to a cagey start. It was Craigie David who broke the shackles, driving handsomely through the covers. It’s a shot he plays on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday (he chills on Sunday).
Mr Jackson had been wandering about like an addled reveller up to this point. He was looking like a man who hadn’t slept for five days and had been occasionally resting in a tent. In actual fact, he hadn’t been to any festivals, he is just very bad at cricket. But Craigie’s sense of adventure rubbed off, and PEJ was awoken from his slumber.
His first shot to break the shackles was an ugly hack through midwicket, but he hit just the right notes off the following two deliveries, first punching through mid on for a sweetly timed boundary, before making absolutely certain the opening bowler wouldn’t be bowling an Iron Maiden by hammering four more down the ground. Three boundaries in a row, Jacko was feeling almost dizzy with excitement.
Sadly, Craigie David would perish, smearing a full toss straight to point before Walkin’ Away, back to the hutch. Still, new ball seen off and job done. All Saints(house) may not have been in the line up, but a mate of his was in at number three as Hamish-Campbell-Pure-Shore was next. He nailed his first ball through point for four to signal that he meant business, but pulled his hamstring in the act of doing so to prove that, on debut, here was a born Roader.
PEJ and Hamish made merry for a good while, putting on 54 to get to drinks, before PEJ tried one shot too many and was bowled for a Jackson (forty) five.
That wicket wasn’t in The Script, and next in was our own Irish boyband member, Connor. A member of Westlife once upon a time? Possibly, as he does certainly favour the leg side, and he was all about the BoundaryLife as he delighted the baying Wandsworth Arena crowd with an array of sweeps to the square leg boundary, and stoic pre-meditated forward defensives.
Hamish was scoring all around the wicket and looking every bit the aerobically challenged shot-making maestro that he is. But a blasted shot through midwicket was clung onto as he fell for a marvellous 42, before hurling the remnants of his tattered hamstring into the crowd.
At this point The Road looked beautifully set. But as is often the case with this season’s middle order, the wheels were about to fall off the Road Tour Bus. And when all is said and done, You Can’t Hurry Runs. So it was that Diana Rossi came, she lost her off stump to a ripper, and she left. Turns out that particular mountain really was high enough.
Brother Birch strode solemnly to the crease next, chanting his Gregorian Rosary. He blasted a four through point, guided another through third man, before inexplicably, and in an act of great self-flagellation, came hurtling down the pitch to pop a catch straight into the hands of cover.
Connor eventually fell for 20, LBW, to return to his screaming fans. I’m not sure he was too upset. Bananabrahme came, survived a plumb LBW that nobody appealed for and then spooned up a catch. Next, the Mooney hit Jim’s eye like a big pizza pie, and that was amoany as our Australian crooner departed for 6. There was still time for Corbs to register his first runs for the club as the Road finished 166 all out.
Teas were delectable. Diana failed to win and afterwards declared ‘that just shows it’s a popularity competition and not about the food’. Very droll. Connor made a delicious cheesecake which won on the day, well done Connor!
It was onto bowling next. Chris Brown would take the new ball (no, not that one, thank God). Despite looking exceptionally dangerous early on, it would be his duetting partner, Josh Corbett, whose name doesn’t really match up with any famous singers that this correspondent can think of, who took a wicket with his very first delivery. A lovely loopy wibbly wobbler, that gently thudded into middle stump.
Chris Brown (still not that one, thankfully) is famed for his temper. Having been turned down for a very possible LBW (these umpires ain’t loyal), he next came hurtling towards the batter and obliterated his middle stump, making the fielders Go Crazy. Diana Rossi now said ‘It’s My Turn’ and picked up a wicket almost immediately LBW. Not satisfied, Rossi then turned to berate the umpire for widing him for bowling the ball in a channel that was…well, really quite wide.
From Boyzone to Moanzone, Jim Mooney was now introduced to the attack. What followed was a veritable King’s Road miracle. After three years of cordon capers, Moans finally saw a catch held in the slips, with The Jackson Forty-Five taking a sharp chance. Champagne moment in the bag, Prosecco on ice, don’t mind if I do. Rossi now struck again, another LBW. But with a dodgy shoulder from years of clinging onto microphones as people tried to drag him off stage, the time seemed right to withdraw the old timer from the attack. Moany struck again from the other end, the ball crashing into leg stump to complete a stunning spell. You keep your James Mahony, Jim Mooney is different sauce!
Brother Birch was now introduced into the attack. After his batting escapades, he had been sat solemnly in quiet contemplation, but now he looked to atone for his sins. He picked up a first wicket, inducing an edge which was gleefully snaffled by Bananabrahme behind the stumps. Brother Birch looked to the skies and whispered a prayer of thanks, before picking up a second wicket, well caught by Connor the heartthrob at mid on. 2-13 off 2, not bad for a man of the batting cloth.
PEJ then decided to channel the spirit of an unnamed former captain and introduce himself to mop up the tail and statpad the average. He duly did so, a loopy ball that appeared to be a beamer was in fact a yorker that tickled off stump. All out for 85 and a thumping Road victory secured.
For Actonians, It was onto the post-festival clean up. For The Road, the party was just getting started.
AWARDS
Tantrum: Rossi
Embarrassing: The Monster Mesh
Champagne: PEJ
Teas: Connor
Mandy of the Match: PEJ
FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/5470802