Sing to me, O Muse, of the team of heavy loads
And varying cricketing ability
Who travelled to the far-flung ends of this isle
In search of revels and glory
Amongst the emerald pastures of strange peoples…
And so it was that, in the watery sunshine of a late July Friday morning, twelve strong-hearted roaders embarked on a voyage to the deepest west. Their captain (for this journey only) would lead this band to his homeland, a wild and mysterious place, where the fermenting juice of golden apples ran like nectar through its creeks and valleys.
Yet tour skipper Birch was immediately faced with mutinous dissent, as Great Western Railway had allowed the train to boarded with twice as many passengers as it could hold. The assault on his sanity came thick and fast, as blame was laid squarely at his feet (he dealt with this with his usual composure and calm, squeezing his fists and muttering “EvErYtHiNg iS fInE” under his breath). Yet, as this motley crew departed from the smokestacks of London, attention turned towards more amusing subjects, notably Craigie and Oscar’s ‘schweffing’ with some female travel companions.
Safe arrival was made to Exeter and a dinner of Piri Piri chicken (Ali’s favourite) or lovely Thai food (probably the nicer option, I was led by Ali) was enjoyed before the road embarked on their first fixture of the weekend…
In the land of Exwick, our travellers found themselves
To do battle with those fearsome people
Named for dusk, Sunset CC…
Dark Skies over Friday’s game
At a riverside ground, the beasts of steel locomotives chugged gently by, a reminder of our dear Browny, waiting wistfully for our return. Meanwhile, Birch lost the toss, and the Road were put into bat against the local opposition.
Openers Dougie Fair and Ali Tyzack were chosen for their ability to get the Road off to a quick start. However, both found the bounce of the artificial wicket tricky to deal with and lost their wickets in the first two overs: Fair caught for 4 and Ali for a Duck. This brought Murray-Wood to the crease, who looked assured, his height helping him to deal with the fast, high play of the wicket.
Jamie Keating was unfortunate to be dismissed for 3, having nailed a lofted drive to a waiting mid-off. A meter either side would have given him a certain boundary. Oscar next in, and he quickly set to his usual work, dispatching balls to the boundary with fearsome power. One of these skidded into the depths of the River Exe. Little were our brave travellers to know that visitors are forbidden to sully this sacred water of the western peoples. Meanwhile, Woody continued to look comfortable, dispatching the ball several times to the off-side rope.
The Road looked set for a big score, but Woody and Oscar both had to retire for well-made 25s. It was at this moment that Sunset took vengeance for the disturbance of their sacred river. Slow, wibbly, accurate, wobbly, bowling quickly cleaned up Road’s middle and lower order: Craigie gone for 1; Connor, PEJ, Wright for 5; Sham for 1. It is true that sometimes your greatest strength can be your weakness. Pinkney came in at 11, playing far too many proper shots to actually score many runs (aside from a powerful slog sweep that bounced once for four), but the returning Oscar and Murray-Wood could only add a total of four more, bowled for 29 and 25 respectively. Pinks finished on 14 not out as the Road set a grand total of 100 for Sunset to chase down.
Captain Birch, having not batted, decided that it was probably right for him to open the bowling, given how effective both the wibble and the wobble had been for the oppo. With Pinkney at the other end, they strove both to bowl tightly and get wickets. Birch looked dangerous, but was expensive, while Pinks bowled tightly. Neither were able to get the breakthrough.
Sham De Silva came on at first change and quickly had two new batters to bowl at. Opener, Ryan Miszka, retired on 25, but Sham prised out their no. 3 with a good bit of bowling, safely caught by Sam Wright. Sham bowled tightly on a good length, well supported by Ali at the other end, ensuring that Sunset did not get away.
Yet wickets remained a problem, so Birch turned to off-Spinner, Sam Wright, and Connor ‘Trebuchet’ McGilligan. Both bowled dangerous balls but could not limit the scoring shots of number 4, Jim Dennis, or move the immovable opener, Neil Shillabeer. As the Sun began to Set on the Road’s challenge of Sunset (sorry), PEJ and Oscar came on to bowl. The former’s over provided another wicket – Chugg spooned an easy catch to Sam Wright, who promptly dropped it, before masterfully throwing down the stumps at the non-striker’s end when a run was attempted. The team were jubilant; PEJ was not. Alas, it was not enough to prevent Sunset making the required total with the last ball of the 19th over.
The Game is afoot…
Ali’s reward for batting
Awards:
Champagne – Sam Wright’s excellent run-out in the 19th over.
Embarrassing – PEJ throwing his toys out of the pram when Sam dropped him, only to achieve a run-out, denying him a wicket.
Mandy of the Match – Woody’s excellent and compact 25.
The evening held much merriment and enjoyment. Birchy did his best to offend the landlord and the oppo captain at the pub after the game (completely unintentionally I might add). Everyone bullied Oscar in some excellent rounds of the ‘Game’ at a local taproom. Dougie and Ali relived their Uni days by strawpedoing VKs (now renamed ‘Vinesh Karthiks’™) at the club. Sham and Keats forgot their responsibilities as fathers, ran around Exeter like little goblins until 4 AM, and Keats attempted to get into the wrong hotel.
As Helios of the sun prepares to ride his chariot
Once more across the heavens
Our travellers of the East also rose
To set foot and explore a strange new land…
The previous day, there had been great appetite for my historical walking tour of Exeter. Yet it was only Craigie (and latterly Pinks) who enjoyed what was, in all likelihood, the highlight of the weekend. So, if you missed it, I’m not going to indulge you here. Sorry.
The meeting for Saturday was set at 11 AM at Exeter’s historic quay. The activity: to explore the local waterways by canoe, kayak and paddle board. The destination: a lovely riverside pub. The aim: to knock Sham of his paddle board. Yet, in spite of all the bravado about ‘ramming speed’ and drowning Sham, a thoroughly pleasant voyage/lunch was enjoyed by all.
A return to the hotel mid-afternoon was followed by a gradual assembly at the Old Firehouse, where beers, cider and very cheap wine were enjoyed alongside some excellent west-country slime. The night progressed to an Indie club night where Birch, Pinks and PEJ were by far the most enthusiastic dancers/patrons. More Vinesh Karthiks™ were enjoyed and Sam Wright refused to explain the rules of cricket to a friendly local.
Slooooiiiimmee
Interacting with human females
“Fuck off, I want a maccers!”
Homecoming awaited the travellers
But not before the return of their captain
To his old lands, as they sought battle
On the fields of Tipton St John…
Tour Sundays threaten to be anti-climactic, slightly sad affairs, as brave Roaders ponder the alcohol-induced decisions they have made in the previous days. Yet in spite of rain and a gloomy forecast, there was a steely determination to play cricket and achieve victory before turning homeward bound.
A wet outfield delayed the start of play to 1.30, and it was agreed that a 30 over match would be played. Birch was given the option of batting or bowling by oppo skipper Dave Thayre, and he chose to take advantage of a slow damp pitch by bowling.
Dougie and Ali opened up for the Road (reversing their roles from Friday) and both bowled tight and threatening spells. Dougie, in particular, was a handful, bowling into the pads from around the wicket. He ended his 6 overs with excellent figures of 0-14. Tipton were going nowhere, and Birch decided to try and induce a mistake from the batters by bringing spinner Keats into the mix. Unfortunately, although he bowled some dangerous balls, Keats struggled with the slowness of the pitch. We know he will come back stronger, given his excellent bowling record. The change at both ends allowed the opening Tipton batters to get their eye in and start striking to the boundary. Oscar responded by bowling David Rowe, who had made a powerful 45, with an excellent delivery. However, Tipton’s run machine Phil Tolley had upped his strike rate and soon made 50, after which he sportingly retired.
Another bowling change was made as Sham De Silva and James Murray-Wood entered the fray. Both bowled well without much luck and Tipton managed to keep their score ticking along. However, Pinkney bowled no. 4 John Buckland through the gate, bringing none other than Birchy’s less good-looking, less talented and less funny brother Joe to the crease. Sensing the chance for family bragging rights, Birchy brought himself on. It was the wicket of the other batter he claimed, though, having Nick Wright caught well by Connor McGilligan at backward point. Pinkey and the returning Tyzack finished off the innings tightly, with the latter having Mark Burnard caught by Birch at short third-man. Tipton had made 145, a good score on a sluggish pitch.
Dads on tour – rebuilding themselves with teas after Friday’s antics
Browny with us in spirit
The Road’s response started comfortably, if quietly, as Pinkney and Wright opened the batting. Pinkney looked in good touch, but continued to nail his favoured cover drives straight at John Buckland, fielding in the covers. He had some success with a change of approach, deciding to play over the ring instead of through them, but scoring was still tough going. Sam Wright found it similarly difficult at the other end, although he did manage to punctuate the dots with some powerful heaves into the leg side.
At drinks, the Road were significantly behind the run rate, still needing to make 100 in 15 overs. Wright (20*) and Pinkney (25*) both tactically retired, bringing Birch and PEJ to the crease. Sadly for Birch, Tipton decided to pick on him in a very unfair way and had Buckland bowl off his full run up. He had his stumps re-arranged second ball as he failed to get his bat down in time. His brother chirped at him that he should work on the gap between his bat and pad in winter nets. At least, he mused gloomily, he still had his looks.
The middle order made an admirable effort to up the run rate and make the game competitive, not least PEJ and Sham, who made a run-a-ball 10 and 8 respectively. Connor was dismissed for two, and Woody for 9 (not before unfurling his favoured back foot cover drive for 6, off Birch the elder’s bowling). It was at this moment that Dougie Fair walked to the crease. Our very own Johnny Bravo, with shoulders so broad, he is unable to walk to Exeter’s Parliament Street (allegedly to narrowest street in the world). The calculation was more than 50 in fewer than 6 overs. After a few balls to get his eye in, he began some of the sweetest striking that the lands of the West have ever seen. Admirably supported by Craigie, who rotated the strike brilliantly, Dougie took to J Birch’s bowling, followed by Jessop’s (24 in the over) and finally Buckland’s. His final 6, off the last ball of the game, brought up an astounding 51*. However, it left the road at 142-8 – 3 short of Tipton’s total. Nevertheless, without Dougie’s amazing striking, the London team would never have been in with a chance.
Awards:
Champagne – Dougie’s massive 6 off the final ball, to bring up his 50.
Embarrassing – PEJ farting so loudly when chasing a ball to the boundary it was heard by spectators and probably the whole village.
Mandy of the Match – Dougie’s blistering 51* and a tidy spell of 0-14
Mandy of the Match (Tipton) – Phil Tolley’s 51*.
Thus the travellers set their sights on home
With western winds blowing them on their way
Without victory but with remarkable tales
Of their travels to the distant west…
Needless to say, a massive thank you to everyone who made the tour such a success. Two games played in a fantastic spirit and another Kings Road adventure for the ages. Finally, our award for ‘Top Tourist’ went to tour newbie, Sam Wright:
For smoking rollies in a surprising and effete manner. General energy and for also allowing us to peak a glimpse 50 years into the future. For refusing to explain the rules of cricket to a random girl on a nightclub dancefloor, because he preferred to head for a McDonald’s. Please burn/retire the black trainers.