WHAT goes on tour stays on tour, obviously.

Unfortunately for The Road though that rule doesn’t apply to what went on in their game against Swansea Law Society at the city’s historic county ground.

And no doubt the tourists would rather just bury their head in the sand and hope nobody finds out.

It all started well, with Captain Raju Mazumder winning the toss, deciding to bat and sending out an all-Welsh opening partnership of David Hughes and James Pritchard.

But straight away things went very wrong in The Road’s champagne fixture at St Helen’s on the seafront.

Dave and Pritch – the brace of boyos – returned to the hutch almost as quickly as they strode out to the plush First Class wicket, looking very sheepish after getting out to baa’d shots.

Pritch was first to fall when he branded his bat like an imaginary light sabre, and made the lawyers Luke far too good.

Trying to start the gentlemen’s game off with a one when he should have shouted for two, Pritch might as well have just closed his eyes and used the Force.

Moments later beefy Welshman Dave got a rarebit of swing – a ball that was going way outside off and darted back in the air to clip his leg stump.

To see the match scorecard click HERE.To see Amir’s snaps from the tour click HERE.

It was a ball that even the solicitors must have thought broke all the laws of physics.

King of The Road Leon Watson was then given out lbw on 7 dancing down the wicket – a decision even the oppo thought was harsh.

The unfortunate umpire who judged Leon out must have been left feeling sick that night after he saw the replays. But after the plea and directions have been made, there’s no Court of Appeal in cricket.

Beefy Matt Cocken managed to hold his breath long enough to get 9, which was really a 3 – before being forced to take a big gulp and accept he was out.

Jamie K walked in with the bat and looked on fire. He did everything he could to ride the wave but couldn’t, and his innings went up in smoke on 6.

Dan Chaplin, trying to make his case for the defence, also left early and Adam Majeed was sent down soon after.

There was one bright spot for the Orange Caps though – a career-best knock of 17 from Chris Beckett.

While Sir Gary Sobers may have famously hit six sixes in one over at the ground, no-one remembers him scoring three fours in a row – which is exactly what Becks did.

Chris’s one-man show off 14 balls was so unlike the rest of the team’s performance, it almost suggested he was now working freelance.

Chris Simmons’s innings however was like watching a car crash, and the Leicester City fan never got to celebrate his team’s goal of beating the Swans. No high fives for him then.

Kev was out on the pull on the Friday and thought the match was made for him. It was yet another decision witch came back to haunt the team though.

On the other hand, James Couldrey, at number 11, deserved a pat on the head for trying to tickle one down to leg.

But unlike Kev, as he was trying to score James got sent packing to the clubhouse – by a twinkle-toed old timer.

Later, James denied making his attacking play – but when that ball hit the experienced fielder’s palms, it was clear to see he wasn’t trying to protect his middle stump.

Dan Chaplin tried to get in on the act and sprinkle some magic dust on The Road’s performance. Yet he got the same result as James – an early cold shower.

Up next was Dan H, who went out to bring home the bacon and have the Law Society’s bowlers for breakfast. But like fellow Roader Leon he came back empty handed.

Captain Raju had brought all the boys to the yard hoping to shake up the bowling and milk any runs on offer. He couldn’t make the breast of it though and walked off with some bad mamories.

Like the others, he just looked ill at ease at the crease and quickly got creamed by the bowler.

By now – with THIRTEEN batsmen out for a miserable score of 70 – all there was left to salvage for The Road was pride.

In the first over of their reply, Dan H bagged a quick wicket for the Orange Caps. King’s Road also had swing king Adam on board, and he stood up well to the task.

Adam came up with a seemingly wacky idea that he’d use the movement at St Helen’s to turn the tide against the Law Society.

Steaming in like an extra from Apocalypse Now, the bandana-clad warrior silenced the doubters by grabbing three quick wickets.

One terrified batsman was heard muttering “Sheesha” as another ripper flew past his bat.

On the sidelines was Amir, who took no part in the match due to a dodgy ankle.

With just one ball to go he ran out of the ground when he didn’t need to.

Onlookers thought he was just too embarrassed to be the only Roader playing cricket that day who wouldn’t end up a loser – so he threw it all away.

In the end it was a disappointing start to The Road’s 2009 tour to Wales – but justice was seen to be done, and there was plenty more fun to come which won’t be reported.

* HOW many references to notable non-cricket moments or activities that may – or may not – have happened on the tour can you find in this report? Post your answer in the box below.