The sun was shining. The breeze was blowing. People in lycra were taking selfies in Battersea Park. All seemed well with the world as The Road arrived, raring to go for the start of the season.

Just one thing was missing…the opposition. Somehow, South Bank had contrived to end up instead at Haydon’s Road. Unperturbed by their error, they phoned Captain Chris Brown to ask where The Road were. The birthday boy to be was slightly confused to receive such a call, given that he wasn’t playing, but he kindly directed them towards Battersea, and 45 minutes after the scheduled start, South Bank had won the toss and elected to bat.

It’s not unfair to say that The Road are something of a circus act. A freak show, if you will. We have some men who are part tree, another couple from outer space, and a scary old man missing a front tooth who haunts the parks of South London.

In the spirit of freakery, The Road fielded not one, nor two, but three left arm seamers in this match. To be presented with such an occurrence is a rare thing, and new skipper PEJ decided to open with two of them in James Mahony and Nikhil Venkatesh in the hopes of befuddling the opposition.

It was the resident philosopher who drew first blood. Nikhil had a difficult 2021 season at times, struggling with his length. But as Bertrand Russell would say, one must look into hell before he has any right to speak of heaven.

And when Nikhil bowled the opening bat with his first ball of his spell, he looked pleased enough to be up in the skiddy left armer clouds with the angels and The Road’s Patron Saint House. Moany, as we well know, is never happy when the limelight is elsewhere. He craves constant attention, and he promptly clean bowled South Bank’s danger man at number 3 with a spitting delivery in a desperate ploy to be noticed. When a ball outside of off stump from Nikhil was cut fiercely to Brother Birch, who held on expertly at point, South Bank were 20-3, and the Road were feeling very pleased with themselves.

A war of attrition followed, with the South Bank batters deciding to hunker down and try to get to drinks. Ali Tyzack bowled with pace, probing away and finishing with excellent figures of 6-3-10-0. Unlucky not to get a wicket, but very economical. Debutant Dougie Fair was also into the attack, another left armer, and bowled well for no reward.

It took the order of a cheeky Mando’s to break the deadlock, as building pressure through dot balls eventually told and Mohan was LBW for 20. Tom Birch and Jamie Keats both came onto bowl, and despite both producing dangerous deliveries, the South Bank batters played sensibly and rode their luck to continue to build the score.

The Road’s fielding was becoming rather ragged at this point, with captains old and new, Keats and PEJ, contriving to kick the ball over the boundary together to wrap up embarrassing moment. Nikhil looked a shoo-in for tantrum after throwing his cap on the floor following a failed run out attempt, but that honour was reserved for PEJ instead, for politely asking his fielders to not follow his example of fielding like a moron. They did, of course.

There was still time for Chinmay Brahme, who looked dangerous, to pick up a first Road wicket, clean bowled, and South Bank posted what looked a handy 173 on a tricky batting pitch. Special mentions to Andrew Craigie, who kept fantastically well and probably woke up the next morning looking like a Smurf after being pulverized by the ball, and for Dougie, who fielded as if possessed by the spirit of Gary Pratt.

Teas were back, and how. Dougie brought along an entire crate of sandwiches, but it was Mandy who wrapped up savoury with sausage rolls and Craigie who romped to a sweet and overall victory with his delicious blondies. Well done all.

So, time to bat, and it was a new look opening partnership of PEJ and Chinmay.

PEJ didn’t last long, hooking one beamer to the boundary before being dismissed by a grubber. Sham did Sham things: he came in, smoked a couple of fours, including a very sexy drive down the ground, before punting a full toss straight to a fielder in a manner that must have made the watching James Pinkney’s underwear shrink.

Chinmay was growing into the game at the other end, getting off the mark with a glorious drive through the covers. He was dropping and running well, punctuating that strike rotation by punishing anything loose to the fence. Just as he was looking set, he ran past one from the oppo spinner to be dismissed for 18. Given this was his first match in 15 years, a sterling effort and the first runs of many for his new team!

Birch was now starting to find some scoring shots, punching through extra cover to draw gasps from the watching Roaders, and taking the game to the spinner, who he hit for back-to-back boundaries before trying a very unpleasant reverse sweep that we never want to see again. Mandy had joined him and hit one glorious late cut through backward point, but with drinks looming he would fall for 12 to leave the game in the balance at 74-4.

Keats was next to go, unfortunate to pop a catch up and depart, before Craigie got a snorter of a delivery first ball to also depart. Birchy’s long and brave vigil would end shortly after, a gutsy 32 that had held the innings together.

At 97-7, the game looked finished, but debutant Dougie had other ideas. With Moany defending resolutely from one end to take the game deep, Dougie went on the attack, driving, sweeping and pulling to devastating effect. All of a sudden the runs were flowing, and Dougie looked every bit the classy batter that he has done throughout winter nets.

Sadly, one ball kept slightly lower than expected, and as he tried to pull the ball ricocheted onto the stumps. 26 very impressive runs though to Dougie, who wrapped up man of the match.

The snake slithered out next, and set about playing what is surely the best innings seen from him in a Road shirt. Tyzack’s first ball was whipped off his pads through square leg for four, and an over later a sensational pick up off his pads almost carried for six. He was next out, bowled for 16. Moany gave the Roaders one final glimmer of hope by tennis serving a ball through cover for four, but was last man to fall as The Road were all out for 148.

Not the win we would have wanted, but a match in which every player made a positive contribution in some fashion, and a very promising start for debutants Dougie and Chinmay. Early season signs are very positive indeed.

Awards:

Embarrassing – Keats and PEJ kicking the ball over the boundary
Tantrum – PEJ angry captaincy at Moany and Sham
Champagne – Nikhil’s first ball wicket
Mandy of the Match – Doug the Rug!
Teas – savoury, Mandy – sweet and overall, Craigie

FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/5122338