This match report has been transcribed based on intercepted transmissions to the mother ship made several weeks ago by CODENAME: Oscar Newlove.
I have seen many apocalyptic cities through the universe, and stepping off the train at Kidbrooke, I knew I was about to tick one more off the bucket list. After a stretching 20 minute walk, we appeared to reach the edge of the abyss and were welcomed by the more familiar sight of a school sports ground.
In the usual Road spirit, we set out for some strenuous and realistic warm up drills. This time, however, was different as we set out to prove our superior athleticism to the U-11 footballers playing on the outfield. Of particular severity was the deployment of C’mac’s new catching device, which managed to skim every attempted catch along the ground at his feet thanks to the soft grass underneath the strange machine. After twenty minutes of practising our bump ball stopping, we were ready for Captain Brown to lose another toss.
Put in to bowl, Ali took an early opening wicket with a quick ball flying through to C’mac, this time without bouncing. Lucky we didn’t practice those ones. Following this, we had a sustained contest between both sides, with each of the next four batsman getting at least 30 runs on the card. There was good bowling, but it never quite got the luck to bring a sustained collapse in the Brockey ranks. Top figures on the bowling side went to Ali on the wicket side (taking 3), but with Chris Brown (3-24 off 8) and Matt Andrews (0-13 off 5) holding back the score with the tightest bowling. Again, the Captain’s persistent tactic of saving his last 7 overs for the tailenders paid dividends. Brockey finished 198 for 8 off their 40 overs, with top scores from opener Don Milla (48) and Praveen Vellat (50*, finishing the innings with a final ball 4 I believe to bring up a half century).
Teas were a successful affair, with mac & cheese and samosas featuring amongst the usual sandwiches etc. Conspicuously lacking however was an actual cup of tea. This has been noted in The Guide.
Now, the Road set out to deliver the usual well-paced and efficient reeling in of the near-200 total. Leading the charge were Raju and a rather-sickly sounding Kane Williamson (clearly worn out after a heavy night celebrating his side’s marginal win against Afghanistan the day before). Raju, as well as others to come, fell to a good delivery from leftie (when did this become a legal way to bowl) inswinging opener Joe Harper. Kane, between fits of coughing up Norwich pond water, set out to knock in his new bat (which had travelled across all 7 continents to reach him), cruising to a fine 58 runs off 73.
Other batsmen struggled to settle in, and fell to a mixture of bowling and catching. Matt Andrews in particular must have gone home disappointed, having not received any leniency in return for dropping their star batsmen 3 times, and instead being caught on his first attempt at chipping it up to a fielder. Not sure he’ll ever trust again.
Extras (16) were looking to be the second highest run-scorer in the team, until Brown came in to score a quick 27 at number 8. Luckily, with clever captaincy, the Road had saved our two reserve openers (Matt Small and Michael Rossi) until number 10 and 11 in the order. Unleashing our secret partnership weapon with only 63 runs needing off 7 overs, the Road looked in prime position to win this game. After a successful defensive strengthened our confidence in this final opening pair of the side, the devious Brockley side managed to squeeze a ball just inside the line of Rossi’s fine Kashmir Kardboard bat and bring about an unlikely victory.
After a disappointing loss, we endeavoured to at least survive the treacherous return journey through Chernobyl to the train station. We had to stop to patch up our wounds at the pub (the only visible form of civilisation around, likely a trap of sorts). Topping off a difficult day travelling the galaxy (you get those), was the discovery that in their sickness, the town planners had installed a Sainsbury’s local with a beta reinvention of opening times well outside the official range. I’ve seen some bad things, but that really took the biscuit.
Putting Kidbrooke down alongside the battlefields of Klendathu as ‘desolate’.
Full scorecard here: http://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4058096
Awards:
Man of the Match: Kane Williamson’s stunt double
Champagne Moment: C’mac’s catch off Rossi’s bowling (taken 1cm from the bat in record time).
Embarrassing Moment: Matt Andrews’ catching. Sure it was worth the £10 they slipped him.
Tantrum: Oscar – yes, it was going down but still had to give it a go.