Having first played the Unabombers in late September last year, we were able to blame our swift defeat on our unfamiliarity with the cold and eagerness to get off for a final indoor curry before the 14th wave caught up with us. However, our return fixture in June at our home fortress Haydons Road (where we ironically seem to play our hardest teams and lose the most games) offered us no such excuses. Their Guide to South London cricket had just one word under our entry: Harmless, and we were determined to change this. Despite good intentions and a long pray beforehand, we started this performance with a rare Keats toss loss, and were sent out into the sunshine.
Road bowling innings:
We opened up with a classic right arm pace, with Chris Brown and Richard Bibby, who both applied the pressure. Opener Holmes fell early to our antichrist hero Bibby for 0, being replaced by compelling batsmen Si Begley at 3 who started to score freely despite our strong bowling attack. Bibby finished with particularly impressive bowling figures of 1-9 off 7 against a strong batting attack. A change of bowlers brought left arm Mahony to the crease, who scored an LBW wicket against their remaining opener Barnes and, in combo with Sherman (protagonist in cult classic, Lord of the Skies), saw number 4 Kenning caught behind. Begley continued to look comfortable as he piled on the runs with a few batting partners.
The Road made use of a 7-strong bowling attack in an attempt to re-apply the pressure to the free-scoring Bombers. Oscar bowled number 5 for the second duck of the day, but this sadly brought Mark Lever to the crease (who’d scored an easy looking 60 against us in 2020 to win the game). Lever and Begley continued to put on runs, before leg-spin maestro Michael Rossi pinned Begley LBW for 69. Osman brought some useful economy in these latter middle overs and Matt Small picked up two more wickets for his tally.
The Unabombers finished 187/7 off their 35 overs, with Lever unbeaten on 58. This was a decent score, but given Haydons Road had delivered its usual quick outfield and we had a decent batting line up (despite Mandy choosing Portugal and quarantine over us), it was all to play for.
We got to enjoy two lovely sweet teas items, two tins of caramel shortbread (one white and one milk chocolate) baked by PEJ and a banana cake baked by Keats (Georgia). Though Keats had cut his into cake into slices and PEJ hadn’t brought a knife to separate a caramel based dessert on a 25 degree day, he did sneak a well-deserved teasmaker award (in spite of using a late pre-vote babybell offering as a bribe for the award).
Road batting innings:
First to note: throughout the innings, our resident overseas enthusiastic amateur James Mahony felt brutally assaulted when the heavily Kiwi Bombers pulled out an Australian cap and passed it around to their player responsible for the most recent piece of bad fielding. Having frequently made clear his frankly unlikely aspiration to be crowned Fielder of the Year, the tainting of his country with bad fieldsmanship caused him concern.
Secondly, why can’t people be good at just one thing? Mark Lever opened up the bowling, causing the same issues as last game, extracting strong swing off a good length and finishing 2-10 off 6 overs. When he unfortunately pulled his hamstring, The Road seemed to gain some respite – but he powered through the over and continued on off a short runup, which also offered up little for The Road’s batsmen. Small departed to Lever for 4, as one cut back in in contrast to the usual hooping outswinger. Sherman looked confident and hit 1st change bowler Jar down the ground for 4 past mid-off. Looking even more confident, he tried to hit the next one down for 4 past mid-on and was caught. Looking less confident, he had to leave the field for 10.
With PEJ and Bibby at the crease, we were 26-2. Having survived a close LBW appeal, PEJ knew he’d been granted a second life, which upset his batting partner, who wants to end all life. Despite this toxic relationship, they put on 14 runs before PEJ was caught. Next in was skipper Jamie Keating, who played nicely before being bowled for 9. Bibby fell soon after to an LBW for 15, which caused him to scream and open yet another portal to the underworld.
At 65-5, The Road were 122 short, but still had a good amount of overs left to chase the Unabombers, as they’re second change bowlers came on. Oscar and Browny were now in at 6 and 7, and as a pair who’ve not frequently batted together, it was an enjoyable experience for the author. Having directly symmetrical wagon wheels, the Unabombers faced an impossible dilemma of whether to have 4 mid ons or 4 mid-offs each time the batsmen crossed. Browny hit some gorgeous shots through the offside, peppering the Bowling Green cage several times (himself keenly describing one as worthy of Jos Buttler, hoping his girlfriend had been watching that one), whilst Oscar played a purist’s leg side innings. A dipping full toss caused Oscar to basically undercut it over the pavilion cage as Rossi was emerging. A huge squeal was let out as the ball flew into the door frame just behind his back, with the moment wrapping up both embarrassing and champagne moments. Whilst modern (and especially white ball) cricket has brought excitement to a younger and more fickle set of fans, there is a purity and artfulness in exclusively leg-side red-ball batting that is being lost in the drive for innovation and attacking off-side play.
Browny sadly fell for 21 after a quickfire 49 run partnership to bring back some chance for the Road. Oscar fell for 39 off 19 soon after, being bowled by a grubber after trying to pull what looked like a half tracker back to the pavilion.
The Road were now 126-7 and having had some successful chases recently, there was still a small glimmer of hope for a wagging tail, but tighter Unabomber bowling and a run-out caused a less vigorous wag, and we were all out for 137 off 29 overs. Given the recent glorious last wicket stand between Osman and Moany against the Antelopians, we were left wondering what could have been if it wasn’t for a quick run out. The Road had pulled it back a little with the bat and with a good bowling effort in the first innings, at least the Guide now had a second word under our entry: Mostly.
Again, the Unabombers were a fine opposition and it was nice to provide a closer game this year in spite of the same outcome. They even rushed to offer up beers from their coolbox as we left the field; what could be nicer?
Post-match events:
We hung around, enjoying a cool-down and a beer after another warm day at beautiful Haydons Road Rec. The First Admiral Moany led a sunset bowling warm down on the wicket, whilst Matt Small hired out his Scooter to the highest bidder. First went Oscar, then Sheruman, and then Rossi, who disappeared for a few loops before magically reappearing before us on the floor astride a bag of cans and a bent scooter, as we stood in the usual circle, the Ring Road. The DCI sprung into action at the site of this Traffic Accident Collision drew his notebook, showed off his flipbook sketch of him hitting his Buttler boundary and then concluded that it was all indeed an Accident and went off for a Cornetto. Sadly he left his shoes behind and had to return an hour later for those.
Matt Small then kidnapped the scorebook and attempted to frame a few other teammates for its disappearance over the coming days. As Bibby also found this past tour weekend, the modern cricket bag impressively has more than one pocket to check for your things before declaring them gone forever.
AWARDS:
Mandy of the Match: Bibby – ‘bowling how we would all like to bowl’
Champagne Moment: Oscar’s 6 into the pavilion, with the ball lost in someone’s bag for 5 minutes.
Embarrassing Moment: Rossi’s squealing as this 6 meteored down on him emerging from the changing rooms.
Moan of the Day: Chris Brown
Teas: Pete Jackson Eastwood for two expertly baked millionaire’s shortbreads.
FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4764094
Author: Oscar Newlove