What to do when there are so many awe inspiring performances that you don’t know which to use for the headline? Well, make it about yourself, of course.
Some have questioned the efficacy of PEJBall. Is it real? What does it mean? Did it precede or imitate Bazball?
Well let me tell you. THIS, was PEJBall, with a delicious side order of Battersea Fried Octopus. Wobbly top orders, middle order biffing, and superior fielding. A day to remember for all of those who took part and came to watch. Strap yourself in, insatiable reader, this was a belter.
It was hot and dry on Battersea 1, but we were on a strip which made the boundary dimensions almost normal, which was nice. PEJ won the toss and elected to bat. All going to plan.
Three balls in, the plan began to wobble, and not in a oh-good-Isham-is-bowling way, as PEJ slapped a short and wide delivery straight to cover for 0. No matter, he was sure this would be a low scoring game and he wouldn’t be alone in failing to cash in.
Birchy came in to join Chinmay, and both played with authority. Chinmay was cutting well, very dangerous in attacking the fast square boundaries. Birchys defence was stout, so stout that Twyman let out a gurgle of pleasure after one markedly solid shot. Dear reader, it would not be Twyman’s last gurgle of the day.
Birchy hit one superb four off the back foot for four, but was unfortunate to play on and be bowled for 10. We were 20-2 now. Panic stations? Was history to repeat itself?
Craigie had been a culprit in the calypso collapso of the day before against the LICCS, but he was not going to allow the same to happen today. He hooked a chest high no ball for an enormous six early on, and never looked back. Chinmay was continuing to play with skill and supple wrists at the other end, but he nicked behind playing back to a full ball for a classy 29.
Dave Hughes came to join Craigie, and had the best seat in the Park for the magic unfolding. First an on drive cracked to the boundary, next a cover drive threaded through a packed off side. When the bowlers pulled their lengths back, Craigos simply rocked back and blasted through point. It was glorious, the best I have ever seen him play. This, this was PEJBall, make no mistake.
Dave was unfortunate to fall for a gutsy 1 to a ball that feathered leg stump. Enter Woody, who was in particularly boisterous mood and was overhead by this umpire to shout ‘no dodgy calls yeah?’ At Craigie despite them not having run a single yet. Commanding. As would be his batting.
The Octopus attack suited Woody well. It suited him very well indeed. One leg spinner whose run up made him look tentacled, limbs akimbo, took particular punishment from a sweeping Woody. So often the shot that gets him out, here was Woody activating the Keaton Jennings Gene. Subcontinent specialist. Though what Keaton cannot do is pump a back foot drive over extra cover for six. Woody bloody can. Woody bloody did. He was unlucky to play onto his stumps – 29 from 33 is his highest score in the UK, batted!!
From a member of the liberal elite, to a member of the jungle. Our very own Silverback was next to the crease, walking in on his knuckles, stopping to eat a fly in Craigie’s hair. It was time for Twyman. Craigie by now was looking, understandably, tired from the heat, and carrying the hopes of the Road on his shoulders. Twyman decided, why not try to catch Craigie up in as few balls as possible?
Reader, this was a military assault the Viet Cong would’ve been proud of. Striking from his hidden jungle base, The Twyrilla blasted shots to midwicket, mid off, long on, and then a humongous straight six that struck a tree halfway up and possibly knocked one of Twyrilla’s family members out and into the undergrowth.
Craigie was crawling through the 40’s and went to drinks at 49, to the pain of all well wishing onlookers. We needn’t have worried, he worked one round the corner to go to a momentous first Road 50. Amazing knock, well well batted Hawkeye!
Twyman was next to 50 off about 30 balls. But he was confused by all of the cheering in his direction and failed to raise his bat. The 65 run partnership was ended after Craigie ran himself out for 61.
Dougie came and played a lovely pull shot for four before being bowled for 6. But his day wasn’t over. Twyman was plumb LBW for 51, and after Sainty had hit a lovely cut for four and run well to get into double figures, Browny came in.
This correspondent was umpiring as Browny came out. Let me tell you. I was not ready for what came next.
First ball was a low full toss that Browny rocketed for an enormous six over long on. Okay, punchy. Second ball he skipped down the pitch to hammer a one bounce four through extra cover. Punchier. Third ball, again down the ground, again 6! He was 16 off 3. WHAT WAS GOING ON?!
Now to the next over. He got himself on strike and hammered another four away. But there was still time for the biggest six of the lot into the trees. 27 off 7. I cannot express how mental this was to watch. Sainty got the red inker for his watching girlfriend as The Road racked up 253.
Teas were won by Woodys delicious halloumi rolls. And the spread was complemented by the oppo. Well done chaps.
Now, onto bowling. We had a great total on the board but we knew Octopus had some dangerous players. A good start was crucial. Browny and Dougie would take the new ball. A brilliant first over from Browny finished up a maiden. Tone set.
Dougie, after a bashful questioning of the decision to open with him, promptly yorked the opener with his first ball to start with a wicket maiden. Runs weren’t coming, the bowling was metronomic.
Browny at this point decided to go full 05 Flintoff. Edges were induced, the ball always squirting past fielder or stumps. Browny cranked it up, soot coughed from his mouth as he got quicker and quicker. And in the end he was simply too good for the Octopus top order. First, a flashy nick outside off was gratefully swallowed by the impeccable Craigie – who didn’t concede a bye all innings, on Battersea 1. Hawkeye going full Marvel superhero.
The next was maybe even better. Perfect length to a bat who had scored 198 one week earlier. He prodded forward, gloved to first slip, and Chinmay took a magnificent low catch. Birchy and chinmay both almost took blinders in the cordon too, I can’t remember a game where we created so many caught behind chances. 10-3, tentacles everywhere.
Sainty was next into the attack, and bowled a very tactical ball down the leg side. The batters attempted a quick single to The Gujarat Gary Pratt (Gary GujuPratt?!) Big mistake, Chinmay splattered the stumps and that was four down.
A new player came on for a bowl from the other end. A gentleman called Matthew Small. Seems a nice bloke maybe we will have him back. He began spinning his web, and when the pressure told the bat tried to hit over what appeared to be a very tall tree at mid off. Only it wasn’t a tree. It was PEJ, and he reached out a branch to take a smart high catch.
Sainty at the other end was at risk of going full Browny. Two slips and a gully, charging in like an avenging angel as his adoring, and presumably confused, girlfriend watched him in all his cricketing glory. He was a chinmay fingertip from picking one up caught at slip, one imagines his little saintly member would’ve popped out of his trousers with excitement had that been taken in front of his beloved.
The Crimson Chinmay on for a bowl now. As if scoring runs and taking slip catches and effecting run outs wasn’t enough, he promptly bowled the next bat off stump as he looked to hit him over the off side. Twyman then wrapped up embarrassing moment by a dropping a catch, falling over backwards, and gurgling in anguish. Some return to the side for him.
Dougie came back and picked up another bowled, well deserved. He easily could’ve had more had chances gone to hand – a more than Fair performance from Johnny Bravo. Sainty saw a skier well held by a redeemed Twyman, Craig’s bagged himself a run out, and chinmay, now bowling medium pace (?!) finished it off with another bowled.
Possibly the performance of the season. Craigie deserved Mandy of the match for a flawless keeping performance and his highest Road score. A first Road 50 from Twyman was also superb, while this was Browny at his pyrotechnic best with both bat and ball.
PEJBall is real. All you have to do is believe.