I’ve been using my blog to unveil my thoughts – my innovation without an outside stimulus. It has been more a column than a blog, as I introduce you to the crazy but clever thoughts that I possess.

Today my dear fans and followers is different. Today I write to you in response to something that happened not too long ago…

On Thursday, January 28, I sent out an email to all the those on the club’s mailing list regarding an outdoor weekend nets session. I asked if people wanted to attend and to let me know. Over the course of some email banter, the following responses came my way:

Dean Aldridge said:

“You’re all f*cking mental. Mental in a good way, though. Not like as in you’re mutilating your own penis. It’s way too cold for a man of my advancing years to be outside without a thermal blanket over my knees. I’ll see you all when it warms up.”

Then Giles Fagan replied:

“Wisdom comes with age, you young pups! I’m with Dean on this… Would it not be wiser to keep warm this saturday by curling up in bed with some buxom wench, whilst being fed by her twin sister…”

Reminds me of the story of the Old Bull and the Young Bull.

Two bulls, one old and one young, standing in a field on top of the hill. They walk over the top to the other side of the field and see the field is full of lovely buxom heffers! The young bull (played with gusto by you young pups!) gets way over excited, jumps up and down whilst frothing at the mouth and says:

“Hey, let’s run down there and f*** one of those cows!”

To which the old wise bull (played with great gravitas by Dean and myself),replies, “No, lets walk down there and f*** them all.”

Naturally I was baffled by these responses from the top two run scorers of 2008. And while nets attendance is not compulsory, it is important as I said in my Christmas message and we’d all like to see the old boys in action. Giles put in an extraordinary effort with his Old Bull/Young Bull anecdote but I think he’s wrong.

Giles may think he’s old but he should know we reckon he’s not on his last legs yet. Giles and Dean are well into their 30s; the rest of the regulars are 30ish and under. I am currently 25 and Jamie Keating is the youngest at around 13 or 14, I think. Then there’s Jamie S who claims he’s mid 30s but we all know he gets mummy to buy his fags.

What Giles is trying to tell us is: wait until it’s good or when I’m ready and then I’ll go for it. And that’s just him all over. It also mirrors his batting style: he is a deadly batsman, who likes to smash every ball to the boundary – whenever he wants to. Awesome stuff.

I prefer a different approach – to pick the one I want to hit and time it to perfection to collect the one run or two runs I deserve. I think batting is about reading the ball early and picking and choosing the right one to score off. Admittedly I am not a quick scorer (e have lost all but once when I’ve batted – we don’t dwell on that.

In his anecdote, Giles mocks the young bull for being too keen. If you read the About page on this website, paragraph four it states:

Ability in the team is “varied” with the emphasis very much on enthusiasm and having a good time rather than skill.

Of course we all have a good time with Giles and he’s a welcome member of this club who has both enthusiasm and skill. But he should read and learn from the following: my twist to his Bull story.

Young Bull went to the field of young buxom heffers. He saw many other bulls arriving at the field. One individual stood out, an intelligent brown bull who was setting the field so that he could take advantage of the situation at hand. Eventually Young Brown Bull restricted cheeky runs from the other bulls and had everything under control.

Young Brown Bull had constructed a ring formation and had the other bulls queuing to have a go at the buxom heffers. All bar one of the bulls were content with this arrangement except for Big Northern Bull but his remarks are known to favour the offside.

Old Bull casually made his way to the field in his usual cavalier swagger. He was in the mood to use and abuse these heffers as he expected and was expected to do. So he went to where Young Brown Bull was presiding over proceedings.

“Let’s get attacking dear boy,” he said.

Young Brown Bull replied: “I can see you’re desperate granddad but those lovely heffers over there think you’re past it because you’ve not shaken your thang for so long.

“Go home and get yourself tucked up in bed instead.”

But Old Bull decided he wanted to play. And what happened? Those sexy young heffers thought the impressive Young Brown Bull was far more game – and let him suck their udders instead.

Until next time on Captain’s Blog, I leave you with this dilemma: Matthew Cocken claims he carries oldies Dean and Giles in his back pocket but what does he keep there that he doesn’t know of? Passport perhaps? Or maybe a world reknowned missing English girl? Who knows?

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