Dear Fans,
It has been too long since I’ve last added to my fabulous collection of blog entries. A lot has happened since then.
Most importantly, there was my successful re-election (yet again unopposed) as captain. In the build up to that I chose not to write in the attempt to prevent accusations of using my blog as a source of electoral propaganda. I would never do that.
Instead I attribute my successful re-election not to the profound and inspiring words but to the effort I went to, to have the club’s initials tattooed in henna to my back.
Let’s just say that the tattoo artist had to spend a lot of time clearing the jungle before applying the organic dye. I will not be posting a photo of it for you to admire however you may request to view it in person should you be in attendance at nets or a match.
Next on the list was the death of my computer’s motherboard. Well that’s what the tech guy said but he could be telling porkies. That has left me restricted to WAP and internet cafes to do my bidding.
Whilst my field changes are made quickly and smoothly to precision, choosing what computer I want to buy instead and how much I’m willing to pay leaves me in continual indecision. Any advice on a decent desktop PC around £350 is welcome.
Then to screw things up further is Dan Howard’s absence. In the bid to leave the club’s website in a better state before his trip to the non-cricketing land of Peru, he somehow killed it. Now many of the hours that Leon spent on this website – making sure my spelling and grammar were in top order in my blog entries – have gone and the site is still being repaired. Fortunately I back up my entries, but they remain in the hard drive of my currently dead computer.
It’s a despicable act by the club’s blond haired founder. If I had my way, I’d get an effeminate overweight Northern gentleman to beat him repeatedly and then sell the video.
The first match and the second match of the season came and went last Sunday with two convincing defeats. I do not like defeats and I am definitely not a loser. The easiest thing here would be to criticise leg, off and middle but I won’t. I’ll look at the positives.
Jamie K, Tony, Matt and Adam all produced good starts with the bat and opening bowlers Kevin and James picked up from where they left off from last season with some workman like bowling. I, as captain, must also compliment our new quick bowler, RSH Mazumder for delivery one splendid over of accurate, deadly and tight bowling, although I recommend he measures his run up better and improve on his fitness if he wishes to bowl more overs like that.
In his attempt to replicate the controversial Pakistani quick bowler Shoaib Akthar, his final ball was delivered with a run up starting outside the boundary rope. Two minutes later, he arrived at the crease to deliver a deceptive slower ball which Fame scored off for the winning runs.
We have a long season ahead of us and with tougher opponents to face. We’ve started poorly and surely this will be enough motivation for a better performance rather than me throwing cricket balls in faces and Sir Alex Ferguson hairdryer treatment. I can be a lot more intimidating than a Scottish pensioner and trust me; you do not want to see that.
I must now return to my shell. Mental preparation is necessary as I play out thousands of match scenarios in my head and devise plans for them. It is me using the Monte Carlo method for the club’s benefit – full details in the much anticipated autobiography.