King’s Road’s trip to Abinger Hammer CC threw up a string of moral quandaries. How do you balance striving for victory with being fair to the opposition’s junior players? Is it fine to spend most of the afternoon doing silly German accents? Above all, should you under any circumstances reheat a sausage roll in the microwave? To find out more, read on.

The mood was naturally glum as persistent drizzle greeted the Road’s arrival in Abinger. Fortunately, the mood was lifted by the appearance of shiny new team jumpers, whose pattern also led the team to demonstrate its uneven (and borderline xenophobic) grasp of one of Europe’s major languages throughout the rest of the day. Nicht big and nicht clever.

Things soon perked up yet further when the rain stopped, and play could begin with only an hour lost. Batting first by agreement in a time game, Jamie Keats sent Peter Jackson Eastwood and Daniel Sherman in to negotiate the squidgy conditions.  Busy from the outset, the pair got the innings off to a rapid start, with PEJ’s commanding cover drive the highlight of their 37-run stand.

After Sherman was bowled for 17, James Murray-Wood emerged to face up to Abinger’s Roger Clements, who was returning to cricket after over 20 years out of the game, perhaps working on his fastball.  Despite the hiatus, Clements bowled tidily and Woody played the first few balls respectfully, before taking kindness to a new extreme by placing his customary Abinger straight six so marginally beyond the boundary that the fielders had no trouble retrieving it. Others didn’t get the memo.

Woody departed soon after for a brisk 8, shortly followed by PEJ (22) and Niall Moorjani (8) to leave the Road precariously placed at 68-4.  Enter Charlie Twyman and Sham De Silva.

On (sort of) home turf, Twyman counter-attacked with an entertaining 23 from 18 balls which included three fours, a monster six and two close LBW shouts.  ‘Not plumb enough for a friendly’, thought Richard Bibby for the last time that day as he shook his head for the second one.

At the other end Sham returned to nick with a sprightly 32, with the pair adding 49 before Twy holed out.  Oscar Newlove strode out next and played himself in by walloping his first ball for an even bigger six than Twy.  His strike rate tailed off disappointingly thereafter, with only 10 runs taken from the next two balls followed by, *gasp*, a dot.

To be frank, Oscar absolutely obliterated the bowlers with six fours and five sixes in a trademark display of awesome striking.  The Abinger fielders took so long looking for one of the balls Oscar dispatched one had to wonder whether they just fancied a bit of respite.  After Sham fell with the score on 191-6, Bibby scratched around in the post-apocalyptic rubble for an unmemorable 8, before being clean bowled.

The Road don’t play many time games, and all the while Keats was weighing up the unfamiliar dilemma of when to declare. Naturally he turned to the strategic wisdom of the Admiral, which resulted in Keats extending the innings to give himself a knock.  At least that gave him an easy object of blame for his subsequent duck.  He would soon have another when Twy let slip that the captain ‘always gets a duck’ when the two play together. Rather than trawl through Play-Cricket to find out whether that’s actually true, this correspondent prefers to wait and see whether Twy ever gets picked again.

Keats did then pull the plug at 215-8 from 31.3 overs, leaving Oscar on an eye-popping 68 not out from 35 balls.

After a cagey start to Abinger’s reply, James Mahony broke the ice by having the (considerably) more aggressive of the two openers well caught by Niall for 17 out of a total of 24.  Well done Moans, but shame about the sausage roll debacle.

Opening from the other end, Bibby reaped the rewards of his earlier stinginess while umpiring and had several LBW appeals denied. Perhaps fearing that the bowler could otherwise become a danger to himself or others, the Abinger umpire did eventually give one.

In the meantime, the Road were fielding with barely recognisable intent and precision, led by Twyman, who shook off his teammates’ questioning of his protective equipment choices to put in a solid performance behind the stumps. However, one notable blemish came when a ball slipped through for byes and Moany charged across to cover from fine leg.  Having apparently learnt since tour that fielders are expected to admit when they’ve let one go for four, Moans went a step further by howling in undisguised anguish as his attempted stop on the rope ended in failure. Did this new-found sporting spirit earn the respect of his teammates? Did it fuck (as the tantrum of the day nominations proved).

Moany was replaced in the bowling attack by Michael Rossi, who had been rumoured to have tried to get the game called off for rain as early as Thursday.  Nonetheless, Michael put that pessimism aside to deliver a guileful spell which elicited a sharp catch at mid on by Keats and several other false shots.  If only there had been someone around to catch the one which landed a couple of feet in front of the bowling crease, he would have been sure of at least one more wicket.

As it was, runs and wickets were almost equally scarce through the middle part of the innings, and the last 20 overs began with 160 needed for an unlikely Abinger win and 7 wickets left for the Road to take.

Desperate to tempt Abinger into some more attacking strokes, Keats brought himself on but messed up the plan by bowling rather well, registering four maidens from his six overs.  At the other end Sham kept King’s Road in the hunt, taking the fourth wicket thanks to a screaming catch by PEJ at cover.

Victory still looked distinctly unlikely, but Niall had other ideas, ripping through the lower middle order with a blistering spell. Not since Richard Hadlee was tearing in has Abinger played host to such a fearsome barrage. If only they had kept their moustache a little longer.

Four wickets (all bowled by Niall) later, Abinger were clinging on with only two wickets left, six overs still to go and an inexperienced no. 10 batsman at the crease.  Niall made the sporting gesture of bowling off breaks to the youngster, which was only slightly undermined by hitting him in the ribs with a beamer.  The blow only served to strengthen the batter’s resolve, however, and he diligently blocked out the rest of the innings.  Abinger ended up on 90-8 from 37 overs, and the Road ended up not quite sure how to feel about it all.  What did we learn?  Not a damn thing, but do pay your match fees.

AWARDS

Champagne Moment: Woody’s straight six
Embarrassing Moment: Niall’s child-maiming
Tantrum: PEJ, somehow (honourable mention for Moany)
Teas of the Day: Keats’ (bought) quiche
Mandy of the Match: Oscar

FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4837231

Author: Richard Bibby