After 5 years of arduous attempted repairs to my spacecraft, including several winters desperately sourcing key utensils in an attempt to paper over gaps in technology and materials, I was sad to admit that it was now unlikely to become flight worthy ever again. I’m also sorry to admit that any generous donors over winter nets will be unlikely to see their items again, but what did they expect…

I was rather depressed at being stuck here, until I found myself watching the takeoff of several planetary exploration craft online. Having discussed some of these videos with alternative news expert Jim Mooney, I learnt that the mainstream media only shows the most basic of space technology and there is in fact much more advanced technology being developed and used outside of public view. Suddenly, the best chance of getting home was by gaining access to one of these secretly developed vessels.

It was then that we formulated a plan to seek out a low level captaincy role, that would at once go unnoticed and also allow me to apply for jobs requiring leadership experience. Who knew whether such a small step could ultimately lead me to gaining command of a spacefaring vessel, but things were getting desperate.

PEJ was ultimately blackmailed for command of a long disused, rather leaky but somewhat Road-worthy ship, the KRCSC T20 side.

Worthy opponents were found from twitter, the Superstar’s play cricket fixture list and a hack of the IPL scout database. Particular efforts were made to secure games against government-linked teams, to develop leads into the top tier of power in the country. Newly appointed BallSec™, Ali Tyzack, worked hard to negotiate a deal on a great set of pink balls, which we set about swifty sanding and waxing in equal measure.

We are now half-way through the T20 season and so let’s revel in the highlights, the lowlights, the comedy and the tragic.

Following Watergate, Partygate, Beergate and personal favourite Tractorgate, it was only fitting that we started by climbing over two gates to start the season: First, PitchGate, but then even better, PeeGate. Finding both the changing rooms (with loos) and also the public park loos closed, one Small member of the party went discreetly behind the loos in a bush for a quick relief. Though relieved, he was quickly surrounded by 4 foot Alsations and blinded by a search light. Issued with a £100 fine, we set off onto the field only to be followed out to the middle by the dog and handler. Used to dealing with hostile situations on his Duke of Edinburgh expeditions, Tom B helpfully met the accusation by admitting to the intent but revealing he “did not actually produce any pee”, presumably on account of the sharp teeth that had set into his ankle as he was about to start.

The Greensox were our first opposition and Abbey Rec was home to a close and low scoring thriller. It was a slow pitch and the game saw a lot of soft catches popped up off the bat from both teams. We saw Will Brown take his first Road wicket, Bibby and Ali unleashed on unsuspecting midweek cricketers, Nikhil bowl some excellent final overs, Dougie win his 3rd man of the match award in his 3rd game, a nice early season upper order collapse and Keats and Smally beginning the pattern of running each other out every Wednesday, though the running was exciting and much needed.

We ultimately chased down 92, not without a touch of nervous excitement. After the victory, we saw Ali linger around the ground as darkness set in and everyone else left, claiming to be waiting for a new bat grip to arrive. Seemed strange and I can’t imagine the delivery costs for such a precise drop off, but hey ho. This ‘drop-off’ was followed by a wonderful curry at Apollo Banana Leaf, which will hopefully be repeated on our return to Abbey Rec later this season.

Next up were the Marauders, where we saw ourselves unable to quite chase down 136, despite some good intent in the middle. The Chiswick pitch showed how well it can drain given it had chucked it down from 4-5:20pm and we started at 6. We bowled well and expertly placed Luke in unexpected catching positions where the opposition would hit aerial, including third man. Jamie Keating took 3 wickets, which took him past 150 Road wickets! A personal highlight was a first match wicket with 20mph legspin, which provided a glimpse into my future. We also saw our scorebook ability excel, with Elliot retiring with a single on 28*, in a game of 25 run retirements.

Agricola saw a return to fortunes for our batting. Mandy declared himself available as a Pink Ball option, and hit an excellent 41* (25), having personally set the boundaries so he knew exactly how hard he needed to play to clear the rope. Clever work. Woody also saw a dramatic return, retiring on 29* (15), with a team favourite being an effortless punch over cover for 6. After a duck at 5 and a DNB at 7, this author decided to promote himself to open in the ambition to hit a couple of boundaries before returning to the hutch before anyone noticed. Sadly only the latter was true. We made a great 149 off our 20 overs and bowled very well to win by 30 odd runs. Fergus was unleashed as a death bowling option and Keats took his first 5 wicket haul, taking the 5 for just 14 runs off his 4 overs, including 2 wickets in his final two balls. We celebrated the win by having a beer at Chiswick and then heading over the river to a Barnes pub, where we got to enjoy a burger, but the highlight was getting to watch everyone eat coleslaw without any cutlery.

The fourth game of the season came against regular opponents, the Superstars. Having had a couple of significant wins against them these past couple of years, and coming off the back of the strong win the previous week, spirits were high though expectations cautioned by the rainfall that persisted until just before 6pm. The Road stuttered to 90 all out off 19.4 overs, which despite the bigger boundaries seemed a little low. Despite wickets falling relatively regularly, the Superstars were deftly guided through to the target by skipper Barry, who brought up his 10,000th run in the game and won the game after returning from retirement. Serious congratulations there. Who will make the Road’s first 10k runs I wonder.

Having read up that the Road had struggled when assembling a last minute team to face the Pacific CC on a bit of a minefield pitch in North London, the Green Sox cleverly offered us a return fixture with a day’s notice – hoping that an eclectic squad would allow them to level the series! However, the Road’s complete and utter commitment to clicking accept to any teamer invite that come their way would soon make the Sox rethink their strategy. With only one hockey club ringer, the 11 were easily assembled in just a couple of hours. In return for stepping in as injury sub for the Pacific double header game, or unofficially to honour a Granita Pact made after a winter net, James Mahony was appointed captain for the fixture. He quickly made his nous clear with the concision of a master strategist: ‘Please treat your wicket with no respect, strike rate is everything’.

Opening bowler picked as opening batsman, Chris Brown really took the no respect message to heart and was bowled first ball. No problem, though, as he’d done the captain proud on strike rate. Chinmay (kindly stepping in at even later notice as a covid sub) retired quickly with some lovely strokes across the ground. Oscar was happy to finally receive some short balls to pull to the boundary, allowing him to reach the magical ‘above 17’ runs once more. We did soon find ourselves on about 70-7, but upon hearing a Sox player talk about finally offering his bowler a chance to bowl at the tail, the Road’s rear-guard took real apparent offence and solidified to put on a further 60 runs, with Matt Small retiring and Nikhil playing jug avoidance games with a really fluent 24, before new Orange Cap bowling legend Will Brown brought home the final runs with a strike rate of 300. That he only faced one ball was not important, it was the dedication to the plan that was so impressive. We finished up on 136/7 off our 20.

Opening with Keats and Small, the Sox were restricted from the off. One opener walked down past Keats’ bowling and was quickly stumped by Andy. The other opener was run out by a rocket arm by Max from the deep and a swift collection by Small. However, the Sox were soon rebuilding with some skill in the middle overs, with 3 retirees, but there were just too many runs on the board in the end. They finished 12 runs short with an exciting couple of run outs in the final few overs. Thank god, as I’m rather happy we didn’t have to see Jim’s soul-searching after a first captaincy defeat.

It was the first time playing on the back Turney Road pitch, ‘the Hollies’, and it was a delightful ground, so it was great to get the extra game in. Excellent way to enjoy the second longest day of the year.

Thanks to everyone who’s played so far, appreciate the effort given the midweek timings and travel across town can be challenging. And thanks to all our opposition for the enjoyable and competitive games! Let’s keep it up for the second half of the season, beginning with a return fixture vs the dangerous Marauders this week. Go well!

Author: Oscar Newlove