We’re gonna win so much. We’re gonna win at every level. We’re gonna win with every single facet.

We’re gonna win so much you may even get tired of winning.

And you’ll say: “Please, please it’s too much winning. We can’t take it anymore. Mr PEJ, it’s too much!”

And I’ll say:

“No it isn’t!”

We have to keep winning! We have to win more! We’re gonna win more! We’re gonna win SO MUCH! We are going to make King’s Road Great Again!

So ended a week bursting with emotion. People wept at the death of a monarch. People wept further still at the news that Zak Crawley had kept his Test place. People wept that Premier League and grassroots football had been postponed. A nation mourned.

It was in this darkest of moments, when all hope had faded, that South London’s very bravest patriots took it upon themselves to redress the balance by pulling off a heist that Danny Ocean would have been proud of. PEJ’s Eleven, King’s Road, Harry Roadini, Roadin Hood and his band of Merry Men. Call them what you will. But heroes are what they are, to a person.

Dundonald Rec was the setting for the first ever LPL Final. Having finished top of the league, The Road had the right to dictate whether they would bat or bowl, if they wished. The pitch was green, there had been some rain about, and with a batting-heavy line up, bowling first looked the best option. However, PEJ would forego the negotiated toss, insisting on a normal toss and letting the oppo captain call. He called wrong. First mind game won. We are not scared of you. King’s Road would bowl first, and a la Stokes’ England, PEJ was letting his opposite number know that he believed his team would chase anything.

Unlike England, the Road seam bowling cupboard was looking a touch threadbare. Messrs Browny, Bibby and Ali had all deserted once they realised something was actually riding on a match. Oscar, he who never misses a game, decided on a visit to the pressure-free county of Cambridgeshire for the weekend. Rats jumping ship. Though those ships are normally sinking, and the pace pretenders’ instincts were all wrong ahead of this match. We weren’t quite down to Craig Overton taking the new ball, but the bowling tactics did have a more experimental feel.

Dougie, Fairest of Roaders would take the new ball. The plan was one of containment. Keep it tight in the first few overs, wait for mistakes, and then bring a snarling, rampaging Aussie on first change to put the fear of God into the bastards.

Dougie, it seemed, had not quite familiarised himself with the plan. His first ball was a disgusting long hop which was slapped to the point boundary. His second was also pitched too short, but a little closer to the batter, who cracked a cut shot to point, where Birchy swooped low to take a superb catch. Two balls bowled. One wicket, one boundary. Yep, today was going to be carnage. Better still was Dougie’s revelation that this was his first Road wicket, a fact many of us were ignorant of. Maybe this was going to be our day…

Smally opened up from the other end, and looked dangerous to the opposition captain. But he was luckless, one catch sailed over PEJ’s head when he really should have back pedalled (sorry Smally!) while the left-handed captain was ruthless with anything short, getting after both openers to target the on side. Time then, for a double change.

Enter Moany. A man reborn. It’s no secret that Moany has been one of the more troubled of Roaders when it comes to the yips, and that in a very competitive field of mentally fragile village cricketers. But something has clicked. Arguably, it was he who turned the second game against Roehampton Bats with a vicious spell that took three wickets. Forget the loose cannon of yesteryear, this new Moany is a laser-guided missile. He was immediately into his work here, drawing the other opener into a drive that was edged through to the safe hands of Chinmay. The rest of the over drew play and miss after play and miss, the new bat having no answer to the onslaught he was receiving in the MoanZone. Is there a more improved player in this side? You’d be hard pushed to find many Roaders more popular or deserving of Moany’s upturn in fortunes. What a player.

From slime-induced brutality at one end, to chiselled beauty at the other. Mandy was introduced to the attack and promptly removed the new bat who had been so helpfully tenderised by Moans. Is it fair to say Mandy is probably the only spinner in the club who could take off stump out the ground when he bowls someone? Probably. About as Alpha/Metal a dismissal as you could hope to see. And there was better to come still as he removed the dangerous Campbell next, brilliantly caught behind by Chinmay to bring both bowler and keeper their second dismissal of the innings.

59-4 and the King’s Road sharks were near-blind with bloodlust. Moany requested a change of ends, apparently because of the wet run up, but probably because of being spooked by how well things were going. Bowled Finger, Pinkney himself, was next into the attack. The man with the golden arm did his bit, creating two guild-edged chances, but both catches were shelled.

It fell to Dougie to break the partnership, a delivery skied in the air that Chinmay made up ground to take. 141-5. Rossi bowled a couple of economical overs, and Pinkney finally got his reward with a caught and bowled. The Fudge were racking up the runs, but on a pitch that played true the Road opted to dig in and try to limit the boundaries as best they could. 228 off 35 overs looked a tall order, but if Bazball has taught us one thing, it’s that you can chase bloody anything these days. Could PEJball measure up?

Teas were magnificent. We made them just for ourselves and Pinkney romped to victory with homemade pizza. Smally got stuck in the toilet, which was funny and scary in equal measure.

So, onto batting. The Fudge had started aggressively before being pegged back by the fall of early wickets. Sherman and Pinkney took a different approach, looking to nullify the new ball. After five quiet overs, they started to pick up the tempo.

First Pinkney played two majestic late cuts to the boundary, before a piece of timing that would have had Ollie Pope swooning brought him another four through the cover point. Perfection. Sherman was pacing his innings skillfully, and began to attack down the ground with gusto, clearing mid off and mid on multiple times, before striking a four that sailed perfectly straight down the ground off the spinner. Pinkney would fall first, caught at slip off a delivery that reared up. The opening partnership was worth 48 and he had scored 26 from 21. The ideal platform.

Dougie was next to the crease, and looked uncharacteristically nervy early on. So much so that for a couple of overs he declined to use his bat, and did a more than passable impression of Brian Close by simply wearing everything. I’d be surprised if he didn’t look like a Smurf by the time he got changed for bed when he got home. Our apologies to Mrs Fair, but what a champion your brave better half is! After some words of encouragement from Sherman, he hammered his first boundary away over point. Dear reader, it would not be his last.

Sherman was next to perish, mistiming a pull to be caught at mid on for a stoic 25 from 41. He’d done his job. 60-2, things felt in the balance. Chinmay was the new man at the crease, and a partnership was needed. Dougie decided the time was now to go absolutely f******* mental. He struck three fours in four balls off the seamer who had just taken both opening wickets. Extra cover, point, mid off. Each four struck with such ferocity that the fielders could only wave the ball goodbye. We all know Dougie is a serious player. His debut season has been fantastic. But this was something truly special. In the biggest game of the season and with his team under immense pressure, he was dismantling The Fudge attack. The next ball struck him in the box, and the opposition Captain offered up a sledge. Dougie bent on his haunches, composed himself, annihilated the next ball to the fence. Then fell back to his haunches. No words needed. DON’T BOWL THERE CHAMP.

But another twist awaited. After a close run out call, Chinmay tried to work a wide legside delivery away but was unlucky to get a leading edge and be brilliantly caught for 6. 91-3.

Mandy was the new man. And basically, this was the game. We all found ourselves wondering ‘is he more than just a very, very pretty face? Can he handle the pressure?’. Well, once he had hammered his second ball over long off for four, it became pretty clear he would be absolutely fine. Normally so good off the back foot, it was his front foot prowess that put the Fudge bowlers to the sword, with one enormous six lofted down the ground to roars of approval from the watching, very nervous Roaders. Dougie meanwhile went to 50 with a trademark sweep to the square leg fence. Better still he broke ‘The 51 curse’ with a single that moved him to 52. It was at this moment that we started to truly believe.

As Keats rightly pointed out, the Road ‘worm’ had not so much overtaken the Fudge equivalent but was threatening to lap it.  Runs were flowing, with one bowler blasted for 21 from his two overs then quickly withdrawn. Victory was near, but the power of The Fudge could not be undone. Mandy fell for 31 from 22, and The Fudge celebrated like they had won the match with the score 146-4. More fool them, because Brother Birch had said his prayers that morning and was ready to excommunicate any non-believers in The Road’s just cause.

He played his role to a tee, rotating strike to ensure the explosive Dougie faced the majority of deliveries. Dougie would finally perish for 80 from 62. He hit 16 fours and one six. It was, without doubt, one of the great King’s Road innings, and surely one of the greatest innings by a newcomer in their first season anybody at this club has seen. Again, The Fudge sensed the tide had turned. Again, with the score 185-5, this was far from over.

Up to this point there had not been a single Dundonald Duck in the scorecard. Enter PEJ, coming off four scores of 0, 0, 0, 1 in his last five innings. To describe himself as absolutely bricking it would be an understatement of galactic proportions. But the equation was simple. The Road needed roughly a run a ball, the field was spread. Birchy and PEJ decided they were going to drop and run like maniacs, and that is what they did. Sadly, PEJ asked too much of Birchy who was run out attempting a sharp second. He fell for 14 from 23. For a man who had been so short of form just a couple of weeks back, it was a Herculean effort of skill, focus and bloody-minded determination. He is made of serious stuff, our Birchy. 208-6. Connor in next.

PEJ would fall soon after for 8 from 13. At 216-7, things looked a bit more wobbly, and not in the positive wibbly way they often do when PEJ is about. It was the first single figure partnership of the innings, a testament to how well The Road were playing as a team.

The Road onlookers resembled some kind of Renaissance painting by this point, with each watching member in a different stage of panic or anguish. Only one man was not fazed by the madness around him. If you can keep your cool while all around you are losing theirs, if you can combine staunch defence with devastating attack, then yours is the name Connor McGilligan, my son, and what’s more, you are a Roader. One of the most memorable overs you could ever hope to see followed. Connor blasted a four through midwicket. Good, you’ve got the four for the over, breathed the onlookers, now take it easy. Connor disagreed, he wanted more. Another four followed. Surely he would stop now? Nope, next thing we knew, Connor was going down on one knee to launch a slog sweep into the air. You could hear the intake of breath from the onlookers. “There’s nobody at square leg,” said someone. “That’s going to be another four,” said someone else. “No…” said another, as umpire Sherman raised both his arms into the air “IT’S GOING TO BE SIX!”

We were now one blow away from winning. Connor tried to run himself out. Moany called “NO.” God bless you Moany. God bless you. Connor finished it off in style, another four seeing him finish on 19 from 8 deliveries. Jos Buttler, Rishabh Pant, Andre Russell, step aside. There’s a new finisher in town.

229 runs score in 33.2 overs. A Road team performance to remember, and a Road squad immortalised by winning the first ever LPL Final. Each player played their part. Dougie won man of the match for his two wickets and sensational knock, but every player that has played in the LPL owes themselves a pat on the back and glass of something delicious. As our very D Hughes said, heroes, one and all.

Full scorecard: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/5496081

The Oscars:

Tantrum: Rossi because we didn’t go to the Leather Bottle

Embarrassing: Moany bringing no drinks and then asking questions no man should

Teas: Pinkney’s Pizza

Champagne: Dougie smashing a four after being sledged

Mandy of the Match: Dougie!