After another successful season with Pej at the wheel, it was captain Keats who led the road to it’s final game of the 2023 season to bring the curtain down. Chief of selectors Keats put a few calls round to a select few ringers – Wicky, Gopi and Sai from Octopus were called up. Three solid batsmen, one with an average of 98 (until CB bowls you back in July). A suggested retirement at 50 was looking likely for these guns.

What often is called the ‘booze train’ to Great Missenden on a regular Saturday fixture, the Roads’ minds wondered far, from Mandy’s wedding (congrats!) to Oscar now owning a Cat, and the thoughts of what the oppo teas may consist of. The usual stop off at Co-op occurred less booze, meanwhile Oscar ventured to a local sandwich shop to get his loaf of bread in. The local taxi service failed much to Keats disappointment and thus the Road ventured to the ground.

Keats won the toss and elected to bat. Wicky and Gopi opened – Wicky had recently told Craigie and Dougie in the changing rooms that he had scored 900+ runs for the season, averaging 98, including a 198 score. Dougie and Craigie smiled and knew they would never replicate. The Dors opening bowlers got loose but were dispatched by Wicky, supported by some striking by Gopi. Road for 40-0 off about five overs before the first wicket fell. In came Captain Keats against the tricky bowler KC. Wicky continued to smash the ball out of the grounds, onto the club house, and probably lost a ball too, so much so that a Dors fielder could be heard saying ‘f**king ringers’. Keats was bowled by KC for a 0 by a loopy ball. ‘One brings two’ couldn’t be truer, as Dougie came and went for two, again bowled by KC. In came Craigie, a man built for slowing a sinking ship. Craigie nailed a few cover drives…to a fielder… but made his way to 7 before being caught with a good catch in the covers. It was what the Road needed as pressure had been building.

Wicky continued to cause chaos. At one point he had scored 90% of the Road’s runs – all part of the plan though I am sure. In came Mr.Newlove, admiring a fellow big striker at the crease. I think it was at this point Wicky hit 50, Dors suggested that Wicky may retire…Keats was asked…without any doubt ‘carry on, carry on’ bellowed the Road skipper. Oscar feeling slightly left out with his lack of boundaries then turned the gas on and hit ’4,4,1,6’. Oscar was then bowled by the tricky bowler Hopkins. Road were 120/5 at drinks and in came Sai. Wicky and Sai put on another 30 runs or so, mostly through boundaries before Wicky was removed and caught on the boundary for a quality 82.

Though most would have been happy – his average of 98 would have been tainted. Sai continued the gas pedals with some guided shots through the covers to bring up his 50 off not many balls. Bibby came and looked solid with his usual tekkers before being barbequed in an unfortunate run out. This brought Joey to the crease to face the Dors’ captain Duncan. Joey came and went for an unfortunate duck being bowled by their skipper. Mr Smally strolled out at no.11 with not many balls left to face, but looked solid – he finished on a 1*. With a few extras, the road finished on 199 therefore setting 200 for the Dors to win… thoughts turned to tea.

For readers/listeners around the world (Birchy) the brief discussion went something along these lines between the two skippers.

Duncan ‘You’ve brought teas yeh?’

Keats ‘…uhhh no, you’re providing them aren’t you’.

Duncan ‘nope my email said no teas’.

*Keats scrambles to his phone to check – surely not we thought. Said phone was checked, the Roads’ hearts sunk. Teas were not provided; the Dors were correct. [editor note: it’s lucky that this match report is released on the same day as EOS voting].

Gopi and Joey hopped into a car down to the local Co-op with what should be a 5 min journey. 40 mins later the Sandwich bar returned (thanks Joey) who provided many sarnies and crisps to keep the Road fed and watered. 

Before Bibster and Joey could get their hands on the new ball – a look of disgust was given by Craigie for the state of the new ball. A ball layered in plastic. Captain Keats could only say ‘don’t blame me’. Bibby came down the slope, angling in and then nipping away to the decent openers. Bibby was also getting some serious wheels (Roads’ fastest bowler?). Joey was just as consistent with his length coming up the slope, with both batsmen playing and missing. Anything that did hit the bat was stopped by the reliable Road fielding. Dors were 19/0 off four overs before Freddie Flintoff turned up. This took me back to Flintoff v Ponting battle in 2005. After a few play and misses narrowly missing the stumps, so close you could hear Craigie moaning with joy. Bibby adjusted his length putting a slightly shorter ball of which the batsmen could do nothing about. The opener gloved it to Craigie who took a brilliant catch. *I think this batsmen furious with the dismissal (not sure why) packed his bag and left the ground – ‘feisty one you are’.

Smally was brought on to mix things up and bowled very well. Smally with a screaming appeal that probably lasted ten seconds at least, dismissed the other solid opener for LBW. Smally was off and running. Road were going well and the Dors were 53/2 off 12. The required run rate was only increasing. Bibby continued teasing the outside edge and bowled his seven overs for 16/1, unlucky not to get any more nuts. Joey continued chipping away with two maidens to finish and ended up with 29/0 off his seven overs. Unfortunate not to get any W’s to his name. Smally continued spinning his web at one end gaining a wicket through a great catch from Joey in the covers. Oscar began his spell down the hill. He chipped away and the runs dried up. Frustration from a Dors batsman meant that he chipped the ball up to Wicky at mid-off for a good catch. Oscar’s other wicket then came from a ball that struck the top off stump. Oscar finished with figures of 2/10 off four – well bowled Sir. Smally kept probing and gained another nut bowling the Dors no.5 batsmen who was looking dangerous. Keats got his bowling mojo back and bowled well to finish with 1/22 off four, Dougie with figures of 1/5 off two and the debutant Gopi bringing up his first Road wicket to finish the game. Dors were then knocked off for 126. A great final win for the road and decent team performance all in all.

For the record, it should be said that the game probably finished around 6pm. Road made their way for the 8pm train after a swifty (including unused croissants, chips and mushy peas). However, a blast from the past had just rocked up at Great Missenden train station hoping to watch the match. Amir was happy we had won, but unfortunately the Road do not play day/night matches yet and therefore the chances of watching the Road at c.7:30pm in the light didn’t exist.

See you all at end of season lads,

Dougie.