The last report I wrote of a match at Battersea Park recounted a loss to the Paddington Rabbits. This time King’s Road faced a herd of mammalian herbivores once more, in the shape of the Antelopians (appropriate for a venue that features not only cricket pitches but also a zoo). The wind was high, which, as David Attenborough Michael Rossi informed us provokes ‘especially skittish’ behaviour from antelopes. Could the Road exploit the conditions, and defeat the only team in our fixture list that we had never beaten before?
Despite some rain the previous night, the surface looked good enough for the Antelopians skipper to elect to bat, hoping to apply scoreboard pressure to the King’s Road line-up. Chris Brown, choosing to bowl into the wind (in an act revealing both his selflessness and his relentless pursuit of the perfect outswinger), opened up with a maiden, setting the tone for a miserly opening spell. The damage, however, came from the other end, where left-armer Luke Shermer was getting the ball to move through the air and off the pitch, with pace and bounce, bowling both openers with beautiful deliveries. Luke’s third wicket was even more special: a big drive, an outside edge, wicket-keeper Andrew Craigie at full stretch hanging on with one hand to an absolute screamer. Ben Foakes would have been proud; Jonny Bairstow would have been nowhere near it. When spin was introduced, Matt Small held onto a sharp caught and bowled to leave the Antelopians at 25-4 from the first nine overs and the Road on top of the game.
A partnership from Bell and ‘Beast’ Basson developed, adding nearly 70 runs, though tight bowling from Shermer, Smally and Oscar Newlove kept the Road on top. It was Nikhil Venkatesh who broke the partnership. A divot in the pitch which saw one ball to rear up off a length and unsettle Bell, who subsequently stayed back to a full straight ball, swiped across it and was bowled. Immediately after taking a wicket, Nikhil was withdrawn from the attack in what some described as ‘brave captaincy’ from Our Glorious Leader. CB returned (now with his back to the wind), and vindicated PEJ’s decision with two wickets in two balls: one bowled, one chipped up to Conor McGilligan at point. Next over Browny could have had a third, when Basson middled one straight at Nikhil at mid-wicket, who failed to hold on. With the Beast hungry now hitting out (including one onto the pavilion roof!), had Nikhil just dropped our best ever chance of beating the Antelopians?
Not if Smally had anything to do with it: the spinner returned, and had the Beast caught on the rope – another catch for Conor, surely one of the club’s premier fielders. Nikhil returned to mop up the final wicket with a caught and bowled, and the Antelopians, batting with ten men, were all out for 123. A fine performance against what is usually a strong batting side.
The teas were lavish as ever, with the highlight being Smally’s creative use of the ‘free hit’ mandate to concoct a rum punch as boozy as it was tasty.
Our opening batters, suitably fuelled up, got to work. Chinmay Brahme made 31 at a run a ball, finding a fluency that had eluded the Antelopian batters in an innings that was filled with textbook shots and cruelly cut short by an LBW decision that had him reaching for the sadly unavailable DRS. At the other end captain Peter Jackson Eastwood faced down some difficult bowling and then opened up with his characteristic front foot shots. Our skipper appears, it was remarked, to be more successful with a couple of rum punches in him. He was joined by Dave Hughes, the man after whom ‘Welsh Fire’ was named, who struck two of the sweetest pull shots in front of square you will ever see. The Road went to drinks at 84-1.
Reasoning that he always gets out after drinks when he takes squash, PEJ opted for another rum punch. This time it did no good, however, as he fell for 35, nicking off (and walking! The spirit of cricket lives!). This brought Craigie to the crease, as he backed up his ’keeping display with some assured batting (and somewhat less assured calling and running), and he was soon joined by Matt ‘Mandy’ Andrews as Dave, after two more lusty blows to the fence, was caught and bowled for 17 from 15 balls. Mandy clearly had somewhere to be that evening. His innings reads 4, 4, 6, 1, dot, 6 – the first 6 going so high that it almost reached orbit, the final one winning the match from the second ball of the 21st over. (21 from 6 balls for Mandy and a red inker, cleverly padding both average and strike rate.) King’s Road beat the Antelopians for the first time ever!
The game was over, but the fun never stops. A two-part coda needs to be addressed. The first part was our opportunity to witness ‘the duck walk’: an Antelopian tradition in which batters dismissed without scoring waddle, flap and quack their way towards a pint of beer, drink it, and return in the same fashion. Thanks to the exploits of Messrs Shermer and Brown there were three Antelopians on the walk that day – and impressively zero Roaders. (Shermer was also gifted the Player of the Match bottle of wine by the ever-generous Antelopians.) The second part to the coda was the emergence of a photograph early the next morning of our number three batter slumped on the floor of Surbiton station, placed between a can and a cricket bag, peacefully dreaming of a well-made 17.
Embarrassing moment (awarded before Dave reached Surbiton): Craigie’s calling
Champagne moment: Craigie’s catch
Teasmaker award: Smally’s rum punch and saltfish fritters
Man(dy) of the Match: Luke Shermer
Play-cricket scorecard: Here!
Game Details: Battersea Park 1, Saturday the 15th July 2023.
Author: Nikhil Venkatesh (PhD and King’s Road Morality Supervisor)
