It was a fair Sunday by the time many members of The Road took the train from London to Woking. After many weeks of rain that would give the most Scottish members of the club nightmares, the great god Helios had finally decided to get in his chariot and ride merrily across the southeastern skies.
Upon arrival at (Chris) Woking station, The Road bundled into taxis and made their way to the ground. Many wondered of the address given by Jamie Keats when we ended up in amongst some very residential houses, but then, like an oasis in a desert, or a Morley’s after a night out, the ground appeared and unfurled its green sleeves in a splendid embrace.
The initial grace of the ground was somewhat undercut by the opposition, who were (as we call it in Scotland) “taps aff,” and seemed to consist entirely of hyper-masculine energy and rig-based selection. They seemed unfazed by us and as a warm up simply continued to be muscle bound and range hit.
Helios climbed higher into a near perfect blue sky and it transpired that (our glorious leader) Keats had given us the wrong starting time to get us there on time. An act of faith which is always kind for a captain to have in their players.
Eventually he arrived in the Volvo, and after brief speculation as to whether it counted as an up or downgrade on the former whip, the toss was “strategically lost” we decided to let the opposition choose to bat. (To be fair, who didn’t think batting second after 40 overs in the sun was a good idea?)
The game began, and many watched in horror as it appeared that the oppo might have league players. When their skipper Aaron Freeland launched the closest wizard we have to Gandalf (Osman (OZ) Khan) for 6 in the 3rd over, many thought that a cricket score may be on the cards.
But, that was Ozzy the Grey and his next over was Ozzy the White. Top of off was hit, bails dislodged, the balrog smote upon the mountainside.
Nikhil Venkatesh, acting as the sorcerer’s apprentice, was boyed by events at the other end and piled on pressure with some hostile yorkers.
But alas, an obdurate partnership began and even with Ozzy casting spells and Niall Moorjani doing their best Browny impression, Old (Chris) Woking merrily marched to drinks unscathed.
As temperatures threatened to fry the chances of our handsome heroes, in entered road veteran Matt Small, Thursday had seen Oscar Newlove drop a “sharp” (regulation) slip chance off Smally’s bowling, but Oscar in the deep was a different beast, he pouched an excellent catch which removed the set batsman and gave Smally an excellent start to the game.
An end opened up, Niall manage to swing a ball and pin the new man LBW, The Road roared back into the contest like tremendous and lions.
Following Niall’s spell, Oscar Newlove entered the attack and didn’t take too long to find a wicket for himself. It looked like The Road would really peg back the opposition and finish the innings firmly in the ascendancy.
However, due to some excellent batting from Dan Ash, who simply had answers to every question:
- Can you successfully nurdle the first changers?
A: “Yes” - Can you miss a Smally ripper?
A: “Yes” - Can you block out Oscar’s wheels?
A: “Yes” - …and most impressively answering Sham’s question of,
“But can you hit my full tosses for 6?”
A: “Also, yes.”
Following his bear-like and captain’s intuition, Keats bowled himself and succeeded in atoning for some drops* with two tight overs which didn’t go for a boundary at the death.
(*We can only speculate as to whether Keats paws are out of practice with the Salmon catching season being so long ago. Hopefully this autumn brings about much practice and will allow him to get back to his old bear like ways.)
Old (Chris) Woking finished 204-4 and The Road knew that if they batted well hay might well come in the sunshine.
Things started brightly, as skipper Aaron Freeland of Old Woking abused his powers admirably and chose to open the bowling, having also opened the batting. He ran in hard and bowled at a speed which some on the boundary described as “Quite quick, if anything, a bit too quick,” with Moorjani feeling compelled to say, “I didn’t sign up for this when I signed up for social cricket”.
But Andy Craigie and Daniel Sherman made things look rather easy, Craigie eliciting sumptuous “oos” from the crowd for a clip and the hip and Sherman bashing the other opener to all parts of the park.
Things were set fairer than the afternoon skies until disaster struck in the shape of Humza Mazar, a man with a rather different action and rather decent deliveries. Craigie was unluckily bowled after defending into the ground and Chris MacNicol had the great misfortune to middle his first ball straight into the hands of silly mid off. It wasn’t the dream way for him to enjoy his 100th game for the road, but let us all take a moment to applaud the achievement.
Moorjani then came to the crease to play the hat trick ball. Despite being a pretentious performer, they hated the drama and breathed a heavy sigh of relief after blocking it out.
Sherman whispered sweet words of wisdom in Moorjani’s ear (“Just watch the ball”) and looked like he may be set for another big score. But he was undone by a rather decent inswinging yorker and gave Old Woking their third wicket. Out strode Shaminda De Silva who, desperate to get back home in time for his Sainsburys delivery, was in no mood for hanging around. He spearheaded a brilliant Road counterattack, and led a partnership between himself and Moorjani which looked to have swung the game in our favour. We must take time to admire the array of strokes Sham made, putting away cover drives, backfoot cuts and pulls with equal aplomb.
But not long after drinks, Moorjani’s pad somehow managed to kick one, (which was missing leg) onto their middle stump and that was the end of a promising partnership of 68. James Murray-Wood, the nicest man in cricket (I don’t care what anyone says), followed next, and despite playing his typical and usually watertight forward defensive, Woody fell for the second golden duck of the day.
Stumps shattered and The Road’s hopes of a famous chase headed the same way, as Sham was trapped LBW for The Road’s top score of the day, 39.
3 wickets in the space of a couple of overs proved too much for The Road to recover from. A vibrant innings from captain Keats was ended when he hit a ball to mid on, and mid on proceeded to take what he described as a “league catch.” We can all debate whether taking chances is good etiquette at social level or not, but what we can’t debate is that The Road were in the muck.
Newlove, so often a source of fireworks was trapped LBW controversially, but after a review by the technology expert, (Craigie, he works for Hawkeye did you know?), Umpire’s Call, and Newlove was out. The Road were running out of batters.
Smally came and went and, as if scripted by a book, a wizard and a philosopher ended up at the crease together. As 10th wicket partnerships go, it was a fantastic one to watch with fabulous shots by both.
However, when Nikhil snicked behind, the resistance ended and The Road succumbed to a 56-run defeat. But they can take courage from the way they stayed up with the rate and limited Old Woking when things could have been much worse.
A note must also be made as to how lovely Old Woking turned out to be. Hyper-masculine in appearance, but they seemed to mostly be big softies. Proving the old adage, never judge a person by their rig. We have been invited back next season. Cute.
Embarrassing Moment:
This was actually awarded to the opposition umpire, who when asked whether or not an LBW was out, he proceeded to raise his finger and then shuffle it over his shoulder in a baffling motion, which according to him indicated that it was going over leg stump.
Tantrum: Shaminda De-Silva
Was a tight affair with two LBW decisions deeply despaired with, but most huffy and puffy was adjudged to be Sham, who was probably even more grumpy at the notion of missing his Sainsburys delivery.
Champagne Moment: Niall Moorjani
For a sort of upper cut come ramp shot off of a beamer. Niall as the writer of this report knows they are supposed to play this cool, but it was the best shot I have ever hit in my life and I will treasure it forever.
Teas: Keating and Wood households
Despite teas not officially being on, Mrs Keats and Woody provided delightful banana bread and brownies respectively.
Man-of-The Match: Niall Moorjani
Niall is happy to have taken the award, but wishes they had been part of a winning run chase.
Author’s Note:
Those present at the end of game awards were around to hear me very casually announce that I recently came out as non-binary. Everyone was very sweet and chill and I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone involved in the club in creating an environment where I felt safe enough to do so. I can’t think of any other cricket team or sports team I have played for that I could have done that in with so little stress. Stay tuned in for more 10/10 nail polish and dresses/ skirts. But honestly, thanks boys, I am pretty chill with things and although preferring they/them pronouns, I don’t mind he/him and please don’t feel any stress around changing the way we speak on the field. More than happy to be part of any “common boys/ lads/ guys” chat. You are all great and The Road is a splendid club to be a part of. Thank you. xxx
Author: Niall Moorjani
FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4919337