Some men are born great. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Others rock up to cricket every week and make the rest of us look ridiculous.
So it was with housewives favourite Matt Andrews, Mandy (of the Match), against Brockley CC, a side against whom The Road have enjoyed several close games. In stormy weathers, a batting collapse looked like dashing The Road’s hopes on the rocks, but a steady hand on the tiller, even without the Admiral playing, brought the men in orange safely into a port, in a thrilling two-wicket win.
The Road were captained by Shaminda De Silva on the day, not a man renowned for his team ethic. Indeed, he had given current skipper Jamie Keating out the season before, while not paying attention and sat down as square leg umpire. He would get a taste of his own laissez faire medicine though, starting the game with nine men after messrs Charlie Twyman and Pete Sainthouse drove themselves to the wrong ground. Sham won the toss and decided to bowl in light drizzle.
Enter opening bowlers Chris Brown and Lewis Robinson. Browny somewhat bizarrely chose to bowl into the wind, which quickly became bowling into the driving rain. Both did an admirable job, shaping the ball away from the opening batsmen. Arguably, the bowling was too skilled, and time and again the batsmen played and missed.
Skipper Sham decided on a double change, introducing Mandy and his tweakers, and the late, but great (ness thrust upon him by nobody else getting wickets), archangel of Swing, Pete Sainthouse. Mandy delivered first, trapping the batsman LBW, plumb in front. 48-1.
Which was swiftly 48-2, and this time it was Saint who delivered sweet manna from heaven. First, an absolute corker swung from outside leg to beat the bat and off stump. It was a godly delivery. How it didn’t take a wicket, lord above knows. From the very next ball, it was wicket celebrations in excelsis, as the batsman looped up an easy caught and bowled. Gloria! The fielders did rejoice. And it was good.
Cheeky Mando’s was back on the menu next over, the new bat looping a simple chance up to Matt Small at short midwicket. The Angel of Death subsequently swooped onto Brockley’s number four, who could only pop a drive to mid-off, where Peter Jackson Eastwood took a solid low catch. The Lord did grin.
The spin-seam axis was working a treat, and Smally and Rich Peralta were next into the attack. Smallz was whirling, twirling, fizzing and looping. The utterly perplexed batsmen were helpless, with a catch looped up to Tom Birch at point, and the next batsman carting his first ball for six, before promptly smacking one down PEJ’s throat at mid-on.
Browny returned and demolished an off stump. But for all that his bowling was great, his fielding was something else. A brilliant diving low stop prevented a four through the covers, and he then wrapped up champagne moment after a sensational one hand stop on the bounce at short fine leg, almost enacting a run out with a fizzing throw.
Peralta turned up the heat next, picking up three wickets, and celebrating each with a balletic pirouette in mid-air. The first was bowled, the second a corker that clipped the top of off stump, and the third was absolutely smoked to Brown at gully, who clung on even while not paying attention.
The Road were set 99 to win. Easy, thought Captain Sham. How does Keats make a meal of this skippering stuff every week? Oh Sham, Sham, Sham…
…Sham-bles, is what the start of The Road innings quickly became.
Birchy and PEJ were to open. What quickly became apparent, was that all of the rain had turned the pitch into something of a pudding. Balls were not coming onto the bat, and with one of the Brockley owners swinging the ball in viciously, batting was hard going.
Birchy was first to fall, playing across a straight one and bowled for 3. But still, what a fine man, and a finer still beard. James Murray-Wood was next, playing a trademark paddle sweep for 2 to get off the mark, then bowled shortly after. He could apportion some blame to PEJ (but not too much), who declined an easy single the ball before. Sorry Woods!
Sham strode out to join PEJ at 12-2. Not ideal. But PEJ was slowly starting to find his range, advancing down the track to smash the innings first four through mid-on. At this point, the umpire decided that as he was having such a nice day, he had better ruin PEJ’s to restore some cosmic balance. Given that the ball was moving, PEJ was batting out of his crease and walking down the pitch to negate the LBW. When the ball hit him on the heel and dribbled to short fine leg, he set off for a leisurely stroll for one leg bye. Enough doubt, surely, to turn down such a silly appeal? Ha, No! PEJ looked up to be confronted inexplicably by the ump’s raised finger. Despite politely explaining that the ball was missing leg stump by a distance greater than the average King’s Road gut, Umps was insistent he was plumb. Those watching on the live stream from home howled their disgust. PEJ second top scored with 9 and romped home to tantrum of the day.
*A friendly reminder that if there is any doubt, there is no need to give your teammates out.*
Sham went next, also LBW, this time to a nasty inswinger, for 1. Mandy came to the crease, and wondered what all the fuss was about as he blasted his first ball through the covers. He was joined by Twyman, who got a sublime delivery that moved in, pitched, and left him to induce an edge. Hard luck for Twyman who was earlier also robbed of a stumping having kept almost flawlessly. 23-5, oh dear.
This brought Robbo to the crease, and a partnership that would change the game. Mandy decided to go absolutely mental, launching a missile over extra cover for six, before two more torpedoes over square leg for two more maximums. In fact, at a point, he had 0 fours, and 4 sixes. CHAOS.
Speaking of chaos, Woody was umpiring, and delighted the masses by signalling a leg bye when no run had been taken. Still, good to see one of the umpires knew how to correctly signal a leg bye.
Robbo was supporting ably, meanwhile. He’d bowled beautifully with no reward, and now he dug in, rotating the strike, and striking one lovely four into the leg side. When he departed for 7, the Road had accelerated to 69-6, with Mandy motoring at a run a ball. Smally was in next. Nuggety cricketer that he is, the situation looked perfect for him. He nudged and nurdled his way to a valuable 4, before being caught.
Mandy went to his 50, a superb innings in a low scoring match, and was then caught at long on trying to finish things like a hero. Sham looked ready to have a nervous breakdown.
Sainthouse and Browny were left to finish the job. Sainthouse cut behind square effectively, and when the runs needed were just 1, he also tried to finish it with a six, and missed. Browny however, did not miss, slapping the ball to the point boundary to round off an excellent individual display, and a nail-biting Road win!
AWARDS
Mandy of the Match: Mandy
Champagne Moment: Browny’s one-handed pick up on the bounce
Embarrassing Moment: Woody awarding a phantom leg bye
Tantrum: PEJ calling out sh*t umpiring
Full Scorecard: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4852753
Full Hightlights (courtesy of Brockley CC): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6EebYx1RHU