Firstly, I’d like to thank none of you rotten individuals for completing match reports in a timely manner. It’s noted and I consider it highly offensive. Take note of the 24-hour window this was delivered in.
Moving on….a muggy day was greeted The Road as the Keith XI comprised of a couple of cricket players and a host of scrappers set itself upon the Roehampton Bats CC.
The Road was to bat first for the all-important London Premier League game. The opening pair for the day was Daniel Sherman and James Pinkney who strode proudly to the rather absurdly Dorito chip shaped Wood Bowl ground.
Pinkney opened up with some cracking shots but unfortunately Sherman, after seeing off the first few overs unfortunately couldn’t get any fire in his engine and departed. Tom Birch joined, who remained cautious early on, as Pinkney started cracking some sweet drives (one was so sweet it made Champagne nomination purely on the audible stimuli it offered) and was piling on runs at a rapid rate.
However, Pinkney soon departed for a quick fire 28 off 20, which provided the impetus for The Road’s innings ahead.
Meanwhile, Birchy became the ballast of the top order with some neat shots and paired up with Matt Andrews, who was keen to get the game moving so he could indulge in his Saturday slime. Perhaps too hasty in his pursuit of slime Mandy belted two fours and then hauled out gone for a quick 13.
With four wickets down, and three top order batsmen gone, the Bats may have began to smell blood. However, they were about to introduced to the King’s Road batting scrappers. Scrapper number 1 to the crease: Oscar Newlove.
What is a scrapper? I’m glad you asked. A scrapper is a player you might familiar with because it is likely you. A player who is the jack of all trades and the master of none. A scrapper will be able to fill many roles at a mediocre to sub-par level. My god, the scrapper will try their guts out though.
The King’s Road is blessed with many fine scrappers. The King’s Road batting line up is a scrapper heavy, all of whom are interchangeable, so when one scrapper is dismissed you are met with another scrapper. It’s not getting one out which is the problem, it’s getting the lot of them out. Scrappers tend to float in the batting order anywhere from 1-11. They can also bowl scrap, some top line scrappers even keep wicket.
Birchy continued his accumulation at the other end as he upped the scoring rate with some stylish fours in what was a critical innings of the day. Meanwhile, after forgetting his box when he went out to bat and holding up play searching for it, Oscar got on with proceedings and did what Oscar does. He began unleashing hell on Roehampton with a 6 over cow corner on his second ball.
The Bats panicked at the flow of runs from the partnership and brought back their opening bowlers which would also later prove fatal. Oscar kept belting them but then fell for 24 off 20.
Joined now by Captain Keats, Birchy scored his first King’s Road 50 in what was a superb knock and set the stage for the scrappers to get to work. However, Birchy fell soon after for 56. Pete Sainthouse jointed a fresh Keats in the middle but departed soon after and The Road were wobbling at 131 for 6 with over ten overs to spare.
A captain’s knock-of-sorts was needed and learning from the example of Birchy, Keats dug in. Joined by Richard Bibby who nurdled singles, the pair got The Road back on track. Keats began to press on with some aggressive strokes to up the rate. With 5 overs to go Keats started to take some risks and hauled out for an important 20 off 27.
With Bibby on 10* another scrapper was summoned in the form of Moany. The Bats resorted to a spin heavy attack in the final overs and also Bibby became irate when he noticed a player of the opposition was wearing his hat backwards. Inappropriate cricket etiquette is a sin in the devil’s eyes. As such Bibby unleashed hell on the bowlers, raining down 4 fours and 4 sixes in what can only be described as ballistic batting. All done with graceful straight bat shots. Meanwhile doing the exact opposite at the other end was Moany trying to be the big man of the partnership and cross-bat everything for six and mishitting every shot. But a strong partnership unfolded and Bibby scored a ridiculous 62* off 33 and Moany ending on 12* off as many balls.
The Road put on an impressive 231-7 off the 35 overs in a well-rounded performance. Birchy and Bibby both putting in exceptional performances.
With a sizeable total on the board, The Road began the task of bowling out Roehampton with SPIN, opening one end with Matt Small and the man of the hour Bibby from the other end.
What occurred in the next 30 minutes can only be explained as a collapse by the opposition. Bibby bowled the opener in his first over and The Road were off to the perfect start. Not to be outdone, the ultimate scrapper in Small joined the party bowling the number 3 through the gate.
Bibby not satisfied with the damage he had already done then snagged another wicket caught at point by the safe and sexy hands of Mandy. Meanwhile Birchy in attempting to save some runs had not so sexy hands, and split the end of his finger and was covered in blood for the rest of the innings looking like he may or may not have just committed murder.
Three wickets down clearly wasn’t enough and Small broke through for the fourth wicket thanks to the most ridiculous slips catch you’ll ever see by James Pinkney. With no reaction time at all he gobbled one at head height and Small had his second.
A full collapse was on its way now and Bibby making the game look too easy took his third with another bowled through the gate and finished his spell 3-20 bowled out. It really was outstanding.
At 35-5, The Road were already dreaming of slime before nightfall and the first change bowlers came on to wipe out the tail…..or so they thought….
Pete Sainthouse and Chris Brown entered the party. Both steamed in, in what was actually decent bowling but was made to look not so good as the only remaining Roehampton opener who took a liking to the situation and began belting anything slightly full, short, good for four. The opener and the number 7 formed a right hand left hand partnership which guided Roehampton out of the doldrums and began to frustrate The Road.
Sainthouse wasn’t having any luck and was relieved by Newlove who received fairly similar treatment and Browny kept chugging away without reward. What would soon be apparent was Sainthhouses and Browny spells were actually quite economical in scheme of things.
Browny was soon replaced by Moany at the sufferers’ end and after a tidy first over Moany couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. Of course for his second over the opener unleashed a flurry of sixes and scored his century in the process. The only saving grace in the belting being given was the most ridiculous boundary save you’ll ever see from Mandy. As a the ball was sailing over for a likely six, Mandy at full stretch and about 5m in the air threw it back mid air. Even the batsmen applauded it.
Keats noticeably stressed in the field turned to his secret weapon in Mandy bowling his spinning darts. His first over though was slapped with disdain like the bowlers who proceeded him. Oscar was switched to the sufferers’ end in the meantime to try save the run rate.
The score was now 180-5 and the Roehampton Bats were heading towards an unlikely victory needing 50 off the last 6 overs. Now with opener Evans on an outrageous 129, finally the big game player in Matt Andrew’s delivered and bowled the danger man. The scent of slime crossed his nose and Mandy decided enough was enough and bowled the other bat in the same over.
The Road’s tails were now up with the main threat gone and clearly the Roehamptom Bats were light on scrappers. Mandy cleaned up the tail take 4 wickets in 3 overs to save the game and relieve Keats of a certain cardiac arrest. With a top up of diesel in the tank Browny came back for one final over and got a well-deserved final wicket to bring victory to The Road.
A rollercoaster of a game by The Road and more importantly securing 10 vital league points. And proof that a team of scrappers can defeat a one-man army.
Very strong performances by Bibby, Birchy, Mandy and Smalls and useful contributions by everyone else who scraped their way through the game with bat and ball and a great fielding effort by all on what was a challenging ground.
Whilst the game was wrapped up, the fun had only just began with Chris Brown and Moany having the inaugural King’s Road feet modelling contest, with neither candidate receiving any votes.
Keats celebrated the win by consuming a curry and then suffering hiccups for the next hour. When asked for his views on the win for the match report he responded with “hrmup”.
AWARDS
Mandy of the match: Bibby for 62* and 3/20.
Champagne moment: Mandys outrageous saving of a six
Embarrassing: Oscar forgetting his box after facing his first ball
Scrapper of the day: Keats for a fighting 20 and tactical captaincy
Author: James (Moany) Mahony
FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4864344