Some days you’re the pigeon. Some days you’re the statue.

And sometimes, you are the statue, but instead of one pigeon defecating on you from on high, there are ten thousand pigeons. And you can’t breathe for pigeon excrement as it fills your mouth and oozes out of your every orifice until you expand and then ultimately explode in a blinding flash of guts, blood and oh so much horrible white poo.

That would be the gentle summation of our LPL outing against the Bats. Sometimes, it just isn’t your day.

PEJ lost the toss and The Road were put into bat. PEJ was pleased, as he wanted to bat anyway.

Two balls into the innings his middle stump had been knocked back, and he was somewhat less pleased.

Pinkney was the other man to open up, he hit two glorious boundaries, one driven orgasmically through point, before nicking off to the same bowler who had vanquished PEJ. Craigie was next to perish, getting off the mark with a four before being caught in the covers.

14-3 didn’t look too smart, but Dougie and Chinmay had delusions of grandeur and thought they could steer the good ship Road out of the shark-infested, iceberg-ridden, whirlpool-and-jaggedy-rock laden waters they found themselves in. For a while, we all thought they might do so too.

Chinmay decided that attack was the best form of defence. He struck glorious drive after glorious drive, including three fours through the covers in one over, and The Road started to sense a momentum shift. Just as we looked to be back on track though, Chinmay tried one drive too many and was castled by a nip backer, 48-4.

Dougie was batting resolutely, keeping out the dangerous openers and clinically putting away the few loose deliveries to the boundaries, while also pushing hard to up the strike rotation. Oscar had joined him and was personally affronted by the introduction of a spinner into the attack, the same spinner that had reported him for alleged chucking the year before. Oscar set his plasma cannons to ‘obliterate’ and started smashing fours down the ground, despite there being four fielders out for the shot.

He was, sadly, next to perish. He knew his mistake, exclaiming ‘Off side, WHY’ after chipping a catch up to slip. 81-5. Bibby was next to fall, LBW for 2 and by now the few remaining sailors on our doomed voyage were clinging to the rails of our capsizing boat, looking down in horror at the now mangled corpses of Pinkney, Craigie and PEJ and the water beneath turning increasingly red.

However, there was still something to celebrate. Ali has found a new lease of life with the bat this season, finally starting to deliver on promise that many of us have always known is there. We worried it could be curtains after Dougie fell for a gutsy 36, top score on the day, very well batted.

But Ali sensed this could be his moment against an oppo who thought they had things wrapped up. He hit one exquisite cover drive, the ball aflame as it travelled at the speed of light to the boundary (I think, maybe it was just the orange lacquer though) before he hit what is undoubtedly the biggest six the Wood Bowl has ever seen. This is no exaggeration, he lined it up, and launched a straight six that cleared the top of the trees, probably the train tracks, and the opposition didn’t even bother to send out a search party for it, because the likelihood was that the ball was already entering earth’s outer atmosphere. Sadly, he tried to do the same thing again two balls later and perished for 23. Still, that is a champagne moment of the season contender.

Shermer fell caught behind, but hilariously pretended he hadn’t hit it. He definitely had. Nine down, but again, like the T-1000, the Scrappers refused to die.

Sainthouse and Smally, one of them holding onto one tattered sail as the other clung to the remainder of the shredded deck with one hand, and tried to steer the few planks of ship remaining with t’other, kept scrapping away. Sainthouse was latching onto anything short to punch and cut the ball to the boundary and running like a maniac between the wickets. Smally was doing Smally things, keeping out anything straight and punishing any short deliveries as only he can.

Sainthouse’s innings in particular was one of guts, determination and fantastic quality and he fell for an excellent 29 in the final over. 170 all out. It felt a few light, but we have defended less.

Teas went missing for about 20 minutes as the opposition’s new tea lady presumably used the same quartermaster as the good ship Road. Eventually we had a bite to eat and got ready to crack on with bowling.

Bowling didn’t go that well, truth be told. Bibby and Sainty were unlucky, balls that had drawn edges of the Road beat the bat as the Roehampton Bats openers survived. One definitely nicked the ball and refused to walk, and Craigie secured tantrum of the day for his reaction. Expect an amateur solution to DRS sooner rather than later, folks.

With one opener on 49 from 34, Smally was introduced to see if a change of pace helped. He bowled him first ball, so yes, it really did. Smally continued to probe away, using control and variations but finding no further breakthrough.

Ali bowled very fast, but luck eluded him as a couple of edges somehow went wide of the slip fielders. Shermer was next into the attack, and picked up a second wicket LBW after utterly bamboozling the number three bat. He continued to plug away, but somehow every aerial shot seemed to fall safe, every edge wide of a fielder, every play and miss missing the edge of the bat. Pinkney tried manfully to find a breakthrough too, but it was not forthcoming.

So ended the voyage of The Road on the day. It was all a bit Captain Scott in the end, but that’s okay, it could have been Cortes or Columbus and in that case, we would have carried out a barbaric culling of the South London populace, which would severely limit the talent pool in which we fish for new players.

One ship lost in the ocean, but fear not, we will have our chance for bloody revenge once the Bats steer their own vessel into the Batter Sea in a few weeks’s time.

AWARDS

Tantrum: Craigie when the opener didn’t walk
Embarassing: Teas geeting lost
Champagne: Ali’s monster 6 onto the train tracks
MandyOTM: Ali Tyzack

FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/5419215