Gather round and listen, all ye Roaders and kin,
To a tale of good and evil, of cricket and a win…
And so it came to pass that the Road, with a line-up that had Captain Keats salivating like a bear with his honey, journeyed to the leafy hinterlands of Kew. With rain threatening to dampen the quest for only a second victory over the West Londoners, it was hoped that the skipper would be victorious at the toss and deploy his fearsome top order in the best light.
This did not come to pass.
Our mighty heroes thus took to the field, eager to take early wickets with a pace battery that could easily be described as ‘actually really rather good’. This promise was quickly delivered upon with the first ball, as new cap, Rich ‘Roadrunner’ Bibby, relieved the stumps of their bails with a hooping inswinger that was kindly left alone the batsman. So good was the delivery that Sherms practically squealed with delight (although this could well have been a cry of anguish as he recovered from his late-night drinking session with Admiral Moany).
So, with his embarrassing riches of seamers, Captain Keats would surely opt for one of these to accompany Bibs with the new ball? It seemed not, as in a startling tactical decision that danced mischievously on the line between genius and madness, the skipper brought himself on. While he did not take a wicket, it could be argued that copious bounce achieved unsettled the batters, softening the up for the prowling pacemen (see comment above about genius and madness).
Indeed, London’s finest, Inspector Brown, soon joined Bibby with the ball and together they cut through Kew’s top order, claiming the wickets of bats 2 and 3 respectively. At this point another new cap, Niall Moorjani, joined the fray. Stout of heart and purple of headband, Moorjani removed two of Kew’s middle order, the second of which saw Bibby running backwards, as if avoiding a ten-ton weight dropped by Wile E Coyote, to take an excellent catch over his shoulder. Having carefully observed the success of the earthling bowlers, Oscar used a similar tactic of accuracy and pace to claim two wickets of his own.
While the gallant Roaders had not taken wickets in a flurry, they had restricted Kew to 108/7 in well over half of the allotted overs. This had been achieved with some uncharacteristically excellent ground fielding and 8 overs of guile-filled hand grenades from M. Rossi. Kew a counterattack (see what I did there?) as bats Nalden and Blitz Jnr played an array of shots to bring their team’s score 162. It was, however, Messrs Bibby and Brown who would have the last laugh, claiming both wickets clean bowled. After an excellent effort in the field from the Road, Kew finished their 40 overs on 166-9.
So it was that the noble Roaders saw an opportunity to write themselves in to legend and complete a quest long thought impossible in the lands of Wandsworth. Riding out into the storm (a metaphorical one, thankfully the rain had passed) were Sherman, reluctant drinking buddy of the antipodean admiral, and Woody, whose stout defence in the previous match had been punctuated by shouts of ‘in!’ when he made his ground. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall for poor Woody, when he smirked ‘look, they’re bringing the twelve-year-old on!’. Blitz Jnr promptly relieved the stumps of their bails and Woods of his wicket.
Out strode PEJ at number three, looking every bit like a lesser-known teammate of W.G. Grace. His languid leaning on his bat, however, clearly deceived the Kew fielders, as he sprung into several near-suicidal singles of which they were not able to take advantage. Meanwhile, Sherman was building a classy innings, punctuated with deft clips of his legs and hip. These two brought the score to 58, before PEJ was caught off a high full toss – although he really was completely fine with the fact it hadn’t been called a no ball.
Tom Birch was the new bat at number 4, the 3rd new cap of the day. Could he emulate the success of the other new caps, Moorjani and Bibby? This question was made all the more pertinent as Sherman was soon caught off the bowling of Blitz Snr for a well-made 35. Alas it was not to be, as the ball brushed Birch’s glove as he attempted a flick down the leg side and he decided to walk rather than await the umpires decision. While this may be as interpreted as ‘honourable’, it could just as easily be seen as ‘bloody stupid’.
Captain Keats was given out LBW shortly after – the Road had descended from a princely 58-1 to a rather more precarious 87-5.
Could the Road fulfil the promise of their team sheet? Would Keats be vindicated for his decision to take the new ball? Would Smally get home in time for Desperate Housewives?
In times of great darkness, heroes come to the fore. While Mandy was used to humbly accepting this role, he was joined by the new recruit Moorjani in the pursuit of victory. As Mandy began to stroke the ball in ways that made the roaders on the sidelines purr with pleasure, Moorjani carefully built his innings and levelled up to Maximum-jani, striking the ball with carefree abandon. Once these two paladins of light (not to be confused with CB’s alt-right ex cricket team, the white knights) were in, the result was in little doubt. Mandy finished on 52* and Moorjani on 26*, reaching the target of 167 with 8 overs to spare. By now the sun was shining, the mead was flowing and the quest for victory over the garden-dwellers of West London was complete.
The Free Peoples of South London could once again sleep, knowing that a great evil had been vanquished.
Full scorecard here: http://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4467457