There are two words in the English language that cause more joy and merriment to a Roader than any others combined. It’s not something mundane like caught and bowled, or played on. No. It is Booze and Train. Fabled, infamous, historic. It is of course the Booze Train to Great Missenden. You speak to many old heads, the moment fixture lists are out the Booze Train is circled and bookmarked. Such a day of delight, a beautiful pitch, an idyllic pub and also Roald Dahl has a museum there – which is cool I guess.

So it came to pass that we met at Marleybone and made our way out of London to take on the Corridors. All 11 of us. Although 1 was being handed to the oppo… It was to be 10 vs 10 game. Why 10 only for such a special game I hear you ask. Well because a certain Australian bowler got above himself, argued with the captain that he should be higher in the batting order than he was, got in a strop and pulled out late Friday night. Kn*bhead.

Anyways, the last few years have been soggy at best up at Missenden, so you can imagine the delight that it was glorious sunshine for once. Sack the coat, it’s suncream time! However, a word of caution dear reader. The Roaders of the past, when faced with the excitement of the Booze Train, have found that the performance on the pitch lacked where the social gained. Was this year to be the year we broke out curse?

Because Keats is a kind and intelligent captain, he won the toss and immediately put the Dors into bat. Yes, it’s hot at 1pm, but the sooner we do the bowling we can get on the beers. Or at least us bowlers can, stupid batsmen have got to go in. Ha. Stupid batsmen.

Anyways, enough about my incredibly biased prejudices, you don’t care. Instead, something that hasn’t been seen since 2017. Opening bowling pair Messirs Brown and Small. A treat for the statisticians. Brown being the absolute princess that he is, immediately trotted up to the top end and left Smally bowling up the hill. Not just for the gravitational benefits did Brown take the top end, every so often a train would rumble past and you could see the old diesel locomotive visible perk up. Which is lucky because turns out having a spinner who literally scurries back to his mark to bowl does not leave you with much time to catch your breath between overs. Whilst both bowled very tightly, wickets were not forthcoming and Keats made his changes.

It was to be the captain and the Ent. Keats decided to unleash the wibbly-wobbler known only as PEJ. Some sumptuous balls in the spell, but the head was focused on batting (or probably was, it’s so far above everyone else it’s hard to see what it’s looking at). After 4 overs where wickets should’ve been his, PEJ was replaced by Sherman. The gloves given to CMac this week, Sherman bowled a lovely first over. Brown got in his head and suggested he bowl from his longer run up. A lesson to all Roaders here, Brown hasn’t got a clue what he’s talking about. In much the similar vein as PEJ, Sherman could’ve and should’ve got wickets but the Gods were against him (Not Darks Skies though, they still cool).

The skip was the first to make the breakthrough with a well bowled bowled wicket, followed not long after by the ageing statesman Senior Rossi. Rossi’s first two overs weren’t the best and saw some ball-fetching but then it all changed. The loopy spinners were locked away and Rossi was throwing down darts and it clearly worked as he bowled a guy called Pete who apparently goes by Paulo. Which is weird.

The kindest man in cricket Thomas Birch replaces the skip and his thing-spinners did the trick, with one doing just enough to beat the bat and dislodge the bails. Bowling at wickets – might be something in that. A bit of a partnership then put on by the Dors before captain fantastic swooped down and ran out the dangerous Swiss. Brown back into the attack got rid of Vidhu the Road ringer and then it was a mop up of the tail. Champagne moment picked up during this by Woody who flung himself forward hands reaching and seemingly plucked the ball just before it hit the ground. Mobbed by astounded Roaders and an excellent bit of fielding on what had been a good fielding display. CMac also taking an excellent catch behind the stumps. The Dors finished 183 all out with the last wicket a textbook suicidal run off the last ball to ruin someone’s average.

Tea – BYO

Batting time and the chase was on. Sherman and PEJ to lead us out. It started well but sadly PEJ, a man in very good form this season got a bit of a grubby one which stayed lower than expected and had to return to the hutch. CMac took the crease, played some strong shots but was unlucky to be caught for 2. Sherman was to follow him shortly afterwards with an LBW decision that may be discussed again. The Road were 21-3 at this point.

Birchy and Woody put on a decent partnership, both pushing the runs about. Both punishing some loose bowling and respecting the good. Woody even got hit on the arm guard! Sadly all good things must come to an end, and it was really a good thing. Both of them were producing some spectacular drives. Woody was the next man out, another LBW, going for a sweep and sadly missing it. Enter James Gaby, a new Roader, so posh taking a guard is beneath him. Normally concerning but turns out it works for him. After a couple of plays and misses he came out after drinks like a man possessed and began taking apart the bowling, but the fun was not to last and he was bowled by Swiss.

Captain fantastic to the rescue. Birchy shoring up one end allowed Keats to start doing what he does best and take the fight to the bowlers. Some nice pace bowling from Swiss and Duncan, just what the bear likes in his bowl. Birchy clearly got fed up seeing the Roaders drinking delicious cold beers on the sidelines as his attention slipped and he was bowled by a snorter from Duncan.

Smally padded up and into the crease with the score 96-6. The Croydon boys got to doing what they do best. Scoring runs and scowling at anything above the Thames. Unfortunately Keats, just like Superman, has his Kryptonite. His isn’t some weird space rock (which is lucky for Oscar) it is instead spin. And turns out Vidhu Singh, who Keats had kindly loaned to the Dors is an extremely good spin bowler. Keats held his own for a while but Vidhu won in the end. CB basically just did a lap of the stumps and went back into the clubhouse for a juicy golden, Vidhu far too good. Smally was the last Roader to fall, nobly trying to guard Rossi from the evil (really nice guy) Vidhu. All out for 129. The Missenden curse continues, as did the drinking long into the evening.

CORRECTION: Mahony may have had tonsilitis, but where the villian story in that

AWARDS

Champagne Moment: Woody’s Catch
Embarassing Moment: CMAC’s duck’n’cover under a high ball (with the gloves)
Tantrum: Moany not turning up
Mandy of the Match: Captain Keats (well bowled and batted)

FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4852773

Author: Christopher Brown