Sunday 11th July 2021 – a day that will live, in infamy. Some people may have had certain expectations leading up, but to everyone’s dismay, Mandy wasn’t going to abandon his allegiance to the Ingurland ultras, Moany wasn’t going to order SLOIME to a clubhouse, and Dave Hughes wasn’t going to reveal what he wears on his bottom half when asking Boris Johnson questions over Zoom (I have it on good authority that it’s his own custom-made Priti Patel boxers).
There were other matters of national importance that might have been on people’s minds; some of us were still trying to get over Harleen Deol’s catch in the England-India ODI the other day, and what we would have to do to potentially emulate such a feat. But with our noble leader Keats back at the helm this weekend after a brief Pink interlude last week, he wasn’t going to let anything distract the minds of his noble legion against the day’s opponents of Old Wimbledonians Sunday Fishers (nope – me neither.)
The mind-games had started early, with one of the oppo’s old-timers deceiving Woody pre-match, stating “You should definitely bat first to make a game of it, as we’ve only got a bunch of kids”. This proved plainly false, as the OWCC openers strode to the crease, both sporting beards to put Birchy to shame. #1 embarrassing nomination of the day for Woods.
Keats, having performed his signature magic trick of winning the toss and bowling first, managed to resist the inevitable temptation to open up himself with SPEEEEEEEEN, and new ball honours were given to Oz and Moans under skies of sunny intervals. Despite facing some lines tighter than the Australian state borders, the OWCC openers did an admirable job of rotating the strike and playing at the not-as-good balls, and able support from Bibby, Oscar and Sham wasn’t able to prevent OWCC from progressing to 101-0 off 18 overs at drinks.
Almost as predictable as politicians jumping on an international football tournament bandwagon with cringey social media pics (the one of Sunak pulling on a shirt with tags still on is great btw), wickets followed drinks as, having just made his half-century, one of the opening bats thought it wise to try and reverse scoop Moany, only managing to glove it through for Birch’s first Road keeper dismissal. The other opener, just after making his own 50, soon fell to a solid catch in the deep by ringer Tim off Oz’s bowling, and the Road could sense an opportunity revealing itself.
However, two nurdlers had been replaced by two biffers at the crease, who proceeded to send the Road fielders traipsing to all areas of the ground. Keats (or Special K as Moans insisted on calling him) pulled rank and came into the attack, snatching the next wicket with a catch from Oz. Biffer #1 was nevertheless still very much in the mood, and the total continued to creep up. At one point, Woody at mid-off asked Oscar whether he’d consider bowling some full tosses to tempt a chance; embarrassing nomination #2.
Bibby’s demonic hordes apparently operate on HST (Hell Standard Time), so it wasn’t until the 33rd over that they spawned for the Dark Lord to cast down the wicked spell of a double-wicket maiden on the opposition; a well-earned return for some probing bowling. Keats proceeded to take another wicket (after Woody dared to ask whether he was staying on – embarrassing nomination #3).
The Road were set a target of 233 off 35 overs to win – the highest total they had faced this season. As a reward for an admirable keeping performance of 2 catches, Birchy was swiftly demoted one spot in the batting order, as Keats demonstrated the merits of dictatorship by promoting himself from #6 to opener. He and Tim set about building a solid base upon which the middle-order scrappers could hopefully capitalise. After a somewhat slow start (9 off 6 overs), Keats took it upon himself to up the run rate with a few boundaries, but soon fell for 16. In came Birchy, now mildly rested from his keeping exploits, but clearly bearing a grudge for being dropped down the order. He then proceeded to take out his frustration by running out his partner Tim for 2 (don’t worry; he wasn’t done yet).
Bibby was next in at 4, who played a very aesthetically pleasing set of shots, but wasn’t quite able to find gaps in the field, and soon fell for 7. Sham next in at 5, who scrapped his way to 2 off 11, before very unluckily having one roll onto his stumps (and subsequently declaring “I’m going to take a couple of weeks off cricket” – we’ve all been there.)
Woods next in at 6, who proceeded to ask umpire Keats whether he should nurdle around or go for it, the response being emphatically the latter (probably more to do with some other sporting kick-off near approaching). The bat went a-swinging, and he was quickly back in the hutch with 6 off 4. Oscar at 7; head biffer of the day. Despite opening up with a highly uncharacteristic 7 dot balls, our resident hockey player soon found his stride, with some highly characteristic strikes to the boundary, making a welcome 27 off 17.
Everyone’s favourite journalist Dave at 8, who made 11 with some agricultural straight cuts of his own (to Oscar’s audible delight). But Birchy’s eyes had already lit up; he’d finally found his next victim upon which to exact his sweet, sweet revenge. With Dave swiftly run out, this brought Moans in at 9, who pre-match was leading the batting charts with an average of 40. Whilst some may expect a batsman of his pedigree to try and drive the Road total upward towards respectability, he wisely chose to play safe (i.e. only behind square leg) and ensure a not out to further boost his average, as the final over of the match between him and Birchy brought a solitary run.
The Road finished on 132-7, just the 101 runs short of their target. Whilst Lax was just thankful that he didn’t have to bat, the rest of the team were looking forward to enjoy some well-earned beverages on the OWCC terrazzo. These plans were swiftly put to bed by the arrival of spectator Daddy Sherms and the ensuing DARK SKIIIIIIES of drizzle, allowing all team members to swiftly depart and get home in time to watch Channel 4’s coverage of Escape to the Country and Scotland’s Coastal Railways with Julie Walters.
FULL SCORECARD: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4852769
Author: James Murray-Wood