With temperatures in Dulwich reaching the mid-thirties (for the less youthful members of the club: that’s over ninety degrees Fahrenheit) captain Keats somehow managed to ‘negotiate’ the toss such that the Road batted first, giving most of us some valuable time in the shade.

Get him negotiating post-Brexit trade deals, I say.

Vice-captain Pete nobly stepped in to open the batting, and nobly nicked off to gully for one. This left Sherman and CMac to see off the new ball and two very good opening bowlers, which they successfully did. At 25 off the first ten overs there were mutterings from the South Bank fielders about our run rate. Little did they know that our top order was setting the most solid of platforms for the rest of the line-up to exploit.

After Sherman fell victim to an act of elite mateship by a certain trigger-happy admiral, Sham and CMac pushed the score along with some attractive strokes, before both falling in quick succession.

At 72-4 and two new batsmen at the crease, our innings was in the balance. Batting out a few maidens to steady the ship isn’t really Mandy and Keats’s style, and the counter-attack was on. The skipper was clubbing short balls down the ground, whilst at the other end Mandy was seeing it like a football, plundering 21 from one over including two massive sixes. By the time he was out – a spectacular caught and bowled from the South Bank captain – Mandy had made 51 from 20 balls.

Oscar picked up where Mandy left off and soon the score went past two hundred. A quick-fire double-bear partnership between Keating and Brown followed, and some last over fun from Mahoney (during which he ran two lengths of the pitch for no runs, having been sent back by a heat-exhausted Keats) pushed the final score to a very healthy 256-7 from 40 overs. Keating finished on 51 not out from 52 balls, a true captain’s knock and a healthy boost to the average.

The innings had gone perfectly to plan, the new ball successfully navigated and the middle-order cashing in, with almost everyone (sorry PJE) making a significant contribution.

After making the most of our biosecure, individually-wrapped teas, we set out to the field with the hottest part of the day behind us and a spring in our step. South Bank’s opening pair (who were, shall we say, drawn from rather different ends of the age spectrum) were as solid as CMac and Sherman had been. They both survived a thorough interrogation from DCI Brown and a few left-arm torpedos from the Admiral. The Scotland Yard/yard-arm opening partnership was relieved by Nikhil and Sham, and the breakthrough came with the two combining to run out the more senior of the openers, Nikhil having previously made a few strategic misfields to lull the batsmen into a false sense of security.

Sham’s off-spin did for numbers three and four, bringing South Bank’s skipper to the crease alongside the extremely talented young opener. A ball from Mandy, straining to remove the latter, found some extra bounce and clattered into his helmet. Had the Road sunk to new moral depths, offending the Spirit of Cricket by employing bodyline tactics against a child (albeit a very skilful one)? Or was uneven bounce to blame, a good length ball accidentally taking off? To the credit of both of them, the incident rattled Mandy more than it did the youngster. Eventually it was the guile of senior pro Michael Rossi that did for him. Rossi quickly picked up a second with a sharp grab from Brown in the gully (‘you’re nicked’) at which point South Bank were in real trouble.

Despite Sherman’s best efforts to unsettle him, and some very close appeals, their captain built a partnership to stop the collapse. But South Bank were now always chasing the game. Eventually Brown returned to secure his conviction – an uncharacteristically good catch from Nikhil – and then knocked over the new batsmen for nought.

Enter Oscar Newlove, the extraordinary extra-terrestrial, tractor-beam locked onto the target and phasers set to stumps. A yorker made a mess of number nine’s wicket. Next ball, a beauty nipped away off the pitch to clip number ten’s off-bail. Last man in, hat-trick ball and the field up. Deep breath. Oscar steams in, he hits his length, the batsman prods forward, the ball brushes the outside edge and Sherman welcomes it into his gloves. A hat-trick to end the match – the last five wickets falling for just one run – and a first win for captain Keats. Jugs all round.

Full scorecard here: http://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4499431

Awards:

• No surprise as to the champagne moment – the hat-trick ball – but honourable mentions to our two half-centuries and five well-struck sixes.
• Mandy relinquished his customary man of the match crown to the hat-trick hero (which, I guess, is what you get for hitting a child in the head).
• Admiral Moany’s horrendous LBW call against Sherman was judged to be the most embarrassing moment, particularly after we learned that he’d recently advised Sherman to ‘bat outside of your crease to take LBW out of the equation’.
• The justice of his cause excused Sherman’s tantrum, meaning the award went to Rossi for getting quite red in the face when called for his fourth wide ball.