As The Road awoke on a dark and wet Saturday morning the forecast was grim.  However, there were rumblings that INDEED fake news was being spread, so the captain instructed the team to stand back and stand by – a game was to be had.

The Road headed to Eltham and strangely arrived in non-cricket whites and then changed. After winning the toss and electing to bowl hoping to take advantage of the overheads, the opening pair of Osman “The Wizard of Oz” Khan and Nikhil Venkatesh didn’t disappoint. Both bowlers were in the zone from ball 1.

Enter the new self-declared fielder of the year. Realising there’s was little hope in hell of winning any other awards James Mahony set his sights on dominating in the field. Within 5 minutes of gloating, he proceeded to slip in the outfield and shell a catch straight to him at square and stitching up most embarrassing within the first 5 overs of the game.

Venkatesh had little time for this tomfoolery and proceeded to clean bowl the opening bat anyway to bypass the Terracotta Army. Oz also got to work by cleaning bowling the other opening bat and then picking up the no. 3 bat LBW in a fine opening bowling display. As the spell went on Venkatesh began galloping in as he entered a state of trance and picked up another bowled.

A brilliant opening spell by each setting The Road up with four wickets down after 12 sublime overs, returning figures of 2/25 for the Oz and 2/22 for Venkatesh.

Moany took over and attempted to make the game a timeless test match and had no luck for the day. Bowling his first overs for The Road from the other end was James Montgomery who bowled a tight line and conceding a measly 8 runs off his 4 overs.

As the skies darkened, a vortex to hell was opened and Richard Bibby summoned demonic powers to obliterate the stumps in a foolish run attempt by the opposition. 5 down and surely a leading candidate for Road fielder of the year with what will likely be the only run out of the season.

Sick of his plodding over rate, the skipper decided to take over bowling duties and quickly had his first wicket caught at long off. Sad sack Moany proceeded to moan after the catch that his hand hurt and won tantrum for this poor effort.  Not satisfied with one wicket and sick of his team’s bullsh*t, Jamie Keats proceeded to rattle the stumps for a tidy spell of two wickets for 14 off 5 overs.

Bibby and Oscar Newlove had some final overs and kept things honest, and Bibby managed to successfully kick the ball into his own face whilst trying to show his football skills.  Honesty, however, was not the flavour of the day. Enter James Murray-Wood.

Woody came on to bowl after first refusing to bowl but then deciding he would offer his services for a limited time. Reward was around the corner with a stumping and a well-deserved wicket after two overs of tight bowling for Mr Wood. The innings came to a close with The Road needing 117 runs to win.

During the innings break and fresh from his high of taking his first Road wicket, Woody began to play politics with the team and proceeded to spin a web of lies which he then tangled himself in. The depth of his pathological lies became apparent when Bibby revealed Woody stated rain was on its way. No rain was to be seen but a two-faced lair was standing there for all to see.

With little interest in the political scandal playing out, the opening pair of Daniel Sherman and James Pinkney were men on a mission and strolled to the crease. Some early jitters quickly turned into control and the pair cruised past 50 never looking like getting out. Sherman finally decided that it was time to let go of his dreams of being a carpenter  and discarded his reconstituted wood chip bat held together with pegs and sticky tape and use a proper piece of wood. The results were astonishing, the ball all of a sudden began traveling to far reaches of the ground.

Letting go of his old bat allowed Sherman to drive the ball back at the bowler so hard that he simply ran out of the way, a lesson in playing village cricket for all. Meanwhile Pinkney did the best drive of his life only for it to get stuck in a puddle of mud.

As they came close to passing 100 without loss the pair began feeling over confident. So confident they decided to stop mid-way on the pitch for a chat while running a single, only to realise they had yet to complete the single. Sherman desperately dived into his crease and lay motionless for the next 30 seconds. But the forces from afar raised him from the dead and he clamoured to his feet.

As the total came closer the pair opened up and quickly knocked off the final 20 runs with some stylish boundaries.

A fine day for all and The Roads first 10 wicket win in its history. An all-round superb effort by all. Some team members wanted to cling onto the winning feeling and remained in their whites all evening until told by their significant other “you stink like sh*t”.

Full Scorecard: https://kingsroadcsc.play-cricket.com/website/results/4915940

Author: James Mahony